update

so grace and i broke up. its been two weeks tomorrow. i did all i could to keep things going for my peace of mind.i hadnt talked to her the hole time. until yesterday. we talked for a few min. i need her as a friend right now. she told me what she has been up to. she says she has to donate more stem cells. i told her i would watch the dog for her. my roommate says im makeing a big mistake by what im doing. i know that by not letting her chase me i will most likely loose my chance to get back with her. i cant help it. im going to do what i need to do. i cant change who i am. im a helper. i care for her enough that i want to be sure that she is happy. with me or not. shes a great person or has the ability to be. and i want her in my life. maybe by doing what i do will remind her how much she misses all that i did for her. or it will back firer in my face. oh well what is done is done.

Time....how things change

So grace and I are doing well. Haveing a good time with eachother. Things seem to be great. One time grace talked about her possable move and said it would be a hard choice since I'm in her life now and then another time it was like she made up her mind and then another time she said she has no idea of what or where her life will be in a year. Witch makes sence. I have no idea where I will be in a year. I have a plan but who knows what will happen.
My new job is going well. I'm alittle nervuse about next month. I will have my own route and the hand held and miller. It's alot to learn all at once. More later. Time to work

so much to say not sure i can remember it all

so my new job is great. i learned yesterday that i will be in a driving possition on the 23rd of next month. yay for more money. still havent realy made any friends or golf buddys yet but i will in time. my daughter has been great....most of the time. it has been great haveing her around so much. i enjoyed the time we had together but she heads home on wensday next week. not happy but it is what it is. i talked to my ex about getting the papers on our new agreement on child support and she said it all depends on how things work out in the next month. bitch!! she knows i dont have a car that can make it out there and back yet. i have been looking and i think i can find one that is in my price range but then it would be just as crapy as the one i have now. so whats the point.....i have to get one that i can finance. my mom and step dad said no to giving me a loan so i can get a car. i didnt expect them to do it but i hoped. i can ask my dad but i dont think theres a chance in hell he will help me so i havent asked. i made plans to go see him next weekend and dont want to make it like im only going to see him for money. i cant get financed for a car until i get my papers back from my bankrupcy back. and who knows when that will be.

so last night i was at graces and i went to bed about 9:45 she came in and talked to me about something. i was half asleep at the time. so she came to bed later. i didnt even feel her come to bed. i was out!!! then the table next to me fell or the glass shifted or something... all the glasses fell and broke and woke us up frightened. she cleaned up the glass. i fell back to sleep. then some cats decided to fight near the house and it was loud as hell. so i didnt sleep well to say the least. i was so exhausted all day. after i talked to my ex i was in a bad mood. cranky. put the kid to bed and now this....

in the last few days or week i have noticed that grace has something on her mind or bothering her but i cant ask what it is cus if she wanted to tell me she would have said something. itsw been so great with her the last month or so. she has been such a huge help with my daughter. she hasnt told me what i should do but she has suggested things i can do or try. she is amazing.

it slipt from my mouth before i relized i said it. i left her a voice messege and at the end i said it. "i love you" i text her or yahoo her it from time to time but i havent said it in some time and i still havent said it to her face. i cant avoide it i love her and want to be with her for ever. i cant change my mind and dont want to. she has become more accepting of the bf and gf words.

there was one moment where i thought i was being dooped. it was at the bout. i could see the guy and i noticed that he was looking at her for most of the bout. i was her glance at him a few times. i could be over reacting or just jeliouse. i know i am but i get the same feelings that i got from when i was with my ex and she cheated on me. i dont think grace would but i cant help but feel that with this one guy she would. idk. part of this could be that im just cranky right now and saying its this or that. blamming others for my crappyness. well i better down a few more beers and head off to bed. laters

so i woke up this morning and i realized that i am bothered that i spend all my time over at graces and she hasnt spend much time over at my place. for that matter i start almost every contact everyday. every once and awhile i would like to be contacted be her first. have her do something for me instead of me doing everything for her. i dont mind doing things for her but alot of things are starting to bother me. it maybe from my stress from my new job and money isues. but i dont thing its only that. i think some is what i put down already. idk. could be that im just so tierd from burning the candle at both ends.

didnt know

so several things. i have my aughter tonight an i dont know what to o activity wise. just watching tv. nice relaxing night. i need it. so i have spent time with grace lately and i dont feel like i have had qulity time with her. we spen time together but shes always doing something. i understand that shes busy but i woul like one night were we can just do nothing and just be together. last night kina pisse me off. we did arands and had diner and that was nice but i went to be as she staye on the computer and she didnt even wake me up when she came to bed for any fun. i guess she didnt want to do anything but thats fine.

so i finished my third week at coors. i like what im doing but i didnt make my full 40 hours this week. im about 10 hours shy. i need to get a part time job to help me even my cash flow out. other than that im exite about my job. i cant wait to get my own route.

लोटस न्यू गोइंग ओं

well i have had my local job for two weeks now. i like it alot. its more physical than im used to but i have been sitting on my ass for five ears. so anything would be more physical. lol. i spent almost all last week with my daughter. well after work. it wore me down. getting up at 3 am everyday and not going to bed till 9 or almost 10 pm sucked. spent some time with grace. it was a nice time with her and my daughter. she has been just amazing. the time we have spent together has been great. she is helping me see that there is a different way to handle my daughter. its the way i always wanted to handle things but my ex makes it so hard for me to do anything my way. but i have put a change to her plans. im not just doing what ever she wants anymore and its pissing her off. im enjoying every time i can see her go crap he has a backbone afterall. how do i handle this? lol bitch. hahaha. grace and i are doing well. but i still think theres more to come. when we have been together longer. but all looks well. with grace and i and my new job. loveing life right now.

What.... What do I do

So grace told me some news that has a chance to be realy bad. I am not going to say what it is. Today was my second day on my new job. Local work at last. I should blog about what happened to make this happen but that's a different story. So I fucked up my back early in the day. So bad that I was getting tears in my eyes just from moveing around. So I finished my day in pain. I broke some stuff and get me all worried that I may get in trouble. My coworker said not to worrie about it. But I can't not. Since it was my falt. So the night before grace told me the news. Then after work my kid was just being a pain. Went to see grace skate with the kid and the kid was giveing me all kinds of trouble. She didn't eat her dinner when she said she was hungry. So we were leaveing the skate place and then the kid said she had to pee. All the crap just hit me and I just went crazy. I'm calm now. But crying. I wish I could talk to someone but there isn't anyone to chat with. Ok roommate and his girl showed up so I'm going to go.

Love and saying it

How can you love someone and not say it to there face. I love grace. I have told her this inperson but mostly vea text or IM on yahoo. I haven't said it to her face in some time. Is it cus I don't want her to feel like she needs to say it back or is it that it hurts not hearing it said back? And I know she won't say it back becuase she's not ready to. Are time together is great and I have no worries but when we are apart I start getting that feeling. Like she is bidding smething or that there's something going on. I have moments were I have feeling like that when I'm around her but I dismiss them. I belive I know how honest she is and she isn't that kind of person to do that. She keeps makeing plans far out into the future. Like today. She was invited to a ren faire and it's in October. We are going together. I'm not sure if she asked me to go or I pushed my way into going but we are planing to go. I don't know where all these feelings are comeing from. I'm off the truck and shouldn't be feeling this way. It must be the fact that I quit my job and am starting a new job soon and I'm nerves about the whole thing. I have the feeling that she didn't want to be around me or my daughter today or tommirrow becuase she's doing something wrong and can't face me right away or it could be the fact that she said she hasn't been feeling her self lately and needs some time alone. I understand the time alone part. I'm just insacure from my last relationship. And I'm prabably messing this one up. Be abcause of it. I'm just straight out confused. I'm butting my tounge and just actsepting the way things are. And I should be happy. Grace is an amazing person.

nervus

well i took the lower paying job. im not sure at this time if i have made the right decision or not but in my head it makes sence. so thats all i can hope for. things are going well still. grace and i seem to be doing good. to me it seems like shes hideing something. i asked what she was doing this weekend and she said that she was going to be crafty most of saterday and skate and take a friend out to see a camidian. i was alittle suprised. i dont mind her takeing "me" days but she could have atleast told me. i dont think she would have told me unless i asked. i can feel that theres something there but i dont have a clue of what it is. she wasnt all cuddely last night. she sat away from me and then seemed to realize that and started to cuddle. It all could be in my head. She may miss her family and that's why she acts this way. I am on her computer and I can see that if I wanted to I could go straight to her bolg. I'm tempted but it would be wrong. I'm not sure if there would ever be a good reason to see her blog. I think today and tomorrow I will leave her alone unless she contacts me. She needs to work something out. I made a coment about comeing over after I put my daughter to bed and she said something that made me start thinking that there's something going on. Idk. I just like to spend time with her. I maybe reading into everything way too much. Some things I read too much and others that I should notice fly right by me. well i better start my day

New with me

Ok so I quit my job to find a local one. I have two places that want to hire me. One pays alot more but the other whould be easier to make plans with seeing my daughter. So I have until Thursday to choose. I will take the higher paying job if they say it's a go. If not then the lower paying job and make it work. It's scary to me because I don't like change. Well in the getting payed aspect anyways. And I guess in my life to. I like possative changes and getting a local job is in a possative direction. Grace has been a great at supporting me. She hasn't said what I should or shouldn't do but has been there for me to bounce my thoughts off of. And it has been a great help. For two years I have been wanting a local job but hadn't realy looked that hard. Since I met grace I have put my nose to the grindstone to find a local job. My boss and his wife ( exs parents) haven't talked to me or even looked at me. They are pissed at me for screwing them over. I don't see how I did. I have told them for over two months now that I'm takeing the first job that comes my way. So when I got an chance I took it. And there pissed at me for takeing it. It's like they don't see that it's the best thing for me and my daughter. I hope that they will come around because they have been I big part of my life for the last 6 years.

I had more to say but it left my head. Lol

hunting

So i quit my over the road driving job. And im about to go look for work in my home town. Well where i live now anyways. it has become my home. im alittle nervuse but exited as well. i had a good weekend with grace and my daughter. grace has been amazing. she is getting thing for my daughter to play with when she is over at graces house and things are going great between them. my daughter pushed the limits at dinner last night but we had done alot in the day so i know she was tierd and hungery. we didnt have a nap yesterday so her crankyness came out. other than that she was good most of the day. im giveing grace a few nights off from me and my daughter. i think this weekend was alot for her to take.

graces "friend" is dropping his dog off at her place. he needs to find a place to live and its harder to do with his dog with him all the time plus other reasons. im not too happy about it but im trying to keep my mouth shut. i know that this is the guy that she likes. so its hard for me to let them be alone at her house. i dont think anything would happen but i sometimes get the feeling like there is something going on. its a faint feeling like i had with my ex before but its lighter then with my ex. with my ex it was little then grow to yay theres no denighing it. lol



well i bettter get ready to go hit the payvment.

Powers. What would you do if you had a power or several?

This is how this topic came into my head. My girlfriend(Grace)had given me the nickname Captain Caveman because I grew up in a cave. I didnt experiance alot as a child but now shes takeing care of that. lol. And I'm loveing every moment!!The other is that shes on a derby team so everyone has a nickname. I had gotten another name thrust apon me. I like the one Grace gave me better. Plus I can do so much more with it. So i started looking for a sticker, patches and anything else i could find. then a thought came into my head.....What if you had super powers? Would you be good or evil? What kind of powers would you have? These and many other thoughts bombbarted my brain. I would love to say that I would be a good person if I had super powers but my very first thought was...MONEY!!!! then right after that......take my exwife to the moon and leave her there. lol As nice a thought that is...I cant take my daughters mother away from her.


So I started thinking of the powers I would have and what I would do with them. In all of the powers I thought of I allways did bad before I would do any good. Im assamed to admit it but life is so much easier with money. I know money isnt everything but I sure do like haveing it. I pose this question to you. What powers would you have and what would butyou do with them? And what if you only had them for a short time? Like a year, a month, a week or even just a day.

This is my answer. I would have supermans powers. Why cus there awesume!!! I would start off with brakeing into a bank and empty it of its money. I would do this until I had about $3,000,000. After that I would help the world with its problems. I know its selfish to do it that way but Im being realistic. I have thought of haveing other powers and what I would do with them but they all start out with getting money first. Im not proud of it but its the truth. oh and with xray vision you know what i would do with that! My girlfriend wont like it but Im a guy and I would have to atleast once. lol

Local job and easier

If I had a local job everything would be easier. Seeing my daughter would be easier. Spending time with grace would be easier. The best thing that could happen is if my ex would move back into town. As much as I don't want her that close to me it would make it easier for me to see may daughter. So it would be worth haveing the ex that close. Plus I just miss haveing a life. Being able to plan things and know u can do them. Grace has been talking about us as if we are going to stay together for atleast two years and longer. Last weekend I was home we trimmed some soap and my daughter wanted to help. So grace had her put samples in little baggies. My daughter asked y she couldn't help trim. Grace told her that the trimmer is sharp and doesn't want her to cut herself so when she is 6 she can help trim. Graces words not mine. That right there means she has atleast thought we will still be together or atleast close friends. She has been amazing lately. More so then the begining. She is so awesome. I love everything about her. Now I still haven't seen her mad yet. I'm mean at me or just pissed off in general. Little upset here and there but I'm sure it's different if it's toward me. I don't see how I can piss her off but I'm sure it will happen one way or another. I mean come on I'm a guy. It's bound to happen. Lol. She has opened up to me about her past and I was thankful that she did. As I thought it wasn't a happy happy past. She told me about her relationship with her dad. It wasn't very good and still isn't but she is trying to see if that can change. Little at a time. The reason I tell you this is that my situation with my daughter isn't the best. Not her falt but my ex and I don't get along at all. Mainly bucase my ex is a bitch to me all the time and I can only handle so much before my temper goes off. The one that gets hurt the most is my daughter. I have always tried to keep things smooth but my ex has to have drama and so starts giveing me shit until I can't take it any more. So to help things along to make them easier I'm moveing out of that house. I have been working on that for a time and found a place and started moveing over. What grace had told me about her dad and her had a good impact on me. I have started to make things easier between me and my ex and with what grace told me will help me pay attention to why is Bering said and done around my daughter. I know I seem to always talk about grace but when that's all that's going on in my life and she's all I think about. What else am I suposed to write about? Mmmmm tell me. Nothing else realy matters. I talk about my daughter from time to time but I only see her once or twice a month. Driveing is booooorrrrring. Trust me on that one. Oh a tree. Wow. Or a house neat!! Realy after you have driven 650,000 plus miles everything looks the same!!! And I'm so tierd of driveing over the road...
I would do anything to have a local job. My body is brakeing down much faster on the truck then when I hve a local job. Plus I'm just to that point of fuck it. I don't care. And that's not good when ur driveing a truck that weights upwards of 80,000 pounds. U can kill anything with that much weight. Since I got pushed into the career in the first place by my ex I want to strangle her just for that alone. Lol. Plus I smoke out on the road. I hate smokeing. I have quit a few times and thought I had it done with the last time cus I thought I had set up a local job but it fell through. That seems to be my life story. Get close to what u want and them poof it's gone. That's why I want to make any any local job work. I don't care if I have two jobs. One full time and a part time. Because I know I know for a fact that grace won't wait too long for me to get a local job. If it takes too long she will get tierd of not havein me around and say see ya. She's the beat time that has happened to me since my daughter was born. I don't want to lose her just because I didn't have a local job. I couldn't handle that. I would..... Well anyways. I'm almost to my next pick up so better go. Later all

Job

I'm so tierd of missing everything becuase of my job. I have been wanting a local job for two years now but haven't realy looked hard for one until now. What changed you ask. Grace came into my life and put the fire under my ass. She hasn't told me that I must do this. She is suportive in anything I do but she makes sure it's for the right reasons. She is amazing. She has been so acamidating to everything. This last weekend when I was home and had my daughter she spent time with her and she didn't mind haveing her around. From what it looked like anyways. She did take some time to be by herself and then a friend to someone that was going through a brake up. I understood on both accounts. One she had spent alot of time with me and my daughter. I was ok with her takeing time to do what ever she wanted. I don't expect her to spend time with me all the time and drop everything she has going on just to spend time with me. That's selfish of me to want that. And I'm not that way. I think it's great that she wants to get to know my daughter. I would never ask or expect her to be my daughters second mother. But the fact that she is trying to be friends with her says alot. We all went bowling and it was fun until we were leaveing and my daughter ran off to hide. It scared the shit out of me!!! We found her and I took her outside to talk to her and asked why she did that. I was pissed and at the edge of tears with worry. Grace came over and talked to her as I said by to friends that came with us. I didn't want to say bye at the time I wanted to talk to my daughter but grace was already talking to her. I almost started crying again because grace was talking to her. I didn't expect grace to do that. It suprised me in a good way. I haven't told her I loved her inperson in some time. I want to but I always think of how soon it is and how I know she won't say it back yet and I don't want to push her into saying it. The second is that she needed to talk to her friend. It cut down time I would have with her but it was fine. Things come up. The whole weekend was great. I had a great time with my daughter and with grace.

Back to the job thing. I can't stand being gone from her this much any more. I want to be around her. I don't need her undivided atention all the time. Just being near her is enough. I want to have a local job so I can see my kid more and make plans to go on mini trips with grace and my daughter. Everything whould be so much better with a local job. Plus I'm just fed up with driveing over the road. The hours suck. And home time is a joke. The big problem is that when I get home I know I don't have alot of time home so I try to cram as much stuff in as I can. And I don't get to see my daughter alot since my ex moved out to BFE and only comes into town once a month. And when I get home she dumps the kid off on me from moment one to the last second before I leave. I don't get a second to myself. Granted I should spend time with my daughter and I do want to. It's just how my ex handles it pisses me off and makes me not want ti spend time with my daughter. It's so frustrating. And it's not fair to my daughter. The last weekend I chomped down on my tounge and had a great time with my daughter. I didn't let my ex get to me. It was an awesome time with my daughter. I miss her already. The fact that grace spend time with both of us was great.

The place I'm moveing into has a pool and my daughter loves the water. It's going to work out well at the new place. And hopefully by me being out of the house where my ex stays when she drops off my daughter to me is across town things should get easier. Well there should be less drama. That's what I'm hopeing for anyways. My ex loves drama an can't live without it so I'm sure there will be new reasons to bitch at me.

Things between grace and i are going smoothly. After this last weekend I feel like things will only get better and once I have a local job even better. Speaking about local job. I'm going to see what's ourt there today. Haven't checke yet.

Grace and ex and kid

So I had a fight with my ex about three weeks ago. It was bad. I had lost my temper and said something I shouldn't have. I cooled down and tried to fix things. No responce. Whatever. So there was a big party for her and her new hubby and the fact they where haveing a kid. I made plans to stay somewhere else because I couldn't be around her. I may have started up the fight again. I didn't want that so I picked up my daughter and left. I stayed at the house I'm moveing into. It was a great weekend. Spending time with my daughter. And grace spent time with me and my daughter. I know it was a huge step for grace to do this. I can't say enough how much that means to me. To be able to spend time with grace and my daughter. It has been tarring me apart trying to spend time with both at the same time when I was home for only two days. I want to spend time with both. More time with my daughter cus I don't see her as much as I see grace. She has been amazing with how she has handled everything and how she talks about the future. She is talking about how to make things better and easier to spend time with my daughter and her at the same time. Not only that but talking about plans of other things that put me in the picture far into the future being with her. Ok far into the future is about 6months but that's still a long ways off. So I have been jelious about a few things but I'm not voiceing my thoughts cus I belive they are only thoughts and not truths. It's just my aprehention becuase of what has been done to me in the past. I still have a problem wanting to know about her blog and her diary. I wouldn't read them but I still want to know what she realy is thinking. She is quiet for the most part. Oh ya we had a talk cus she told me those words to me aweek ago. "we need to talk" I was going nuts. Worrieing and all. She told me not to and I setteled down abit. We had the talk and it showed her past to me. I had no idea of her past until then. Other than little chips here and there. It opened my eyes to how my daughter is Bering treated and I'm going to make things better. I always thought I had bees doing the right thing and after that talk I had with grace showe me I was makeing misstakes. Things are going great between us. She is doing little things for me here and there. I like the fact that she likes to help me but it's hard for me to take help. I'm a giver of help. I don't reseve help very well. Same as presents. I like to get them but at the same time I don't. I think she is the same way. Heck I know she is the same way. I help her every chance I get. I do some things without asking and just do it but most of the time I'm asking before I do anything. Lately she has been saying no she doesn't need my help. And I understand and she told me why. It's because she doesn't want to take advantage of my kindness and abouse it. I'm glad she's starting to say no to me. It's hard for her to take help but is working on acepting it when she realy needs it. Since she started doing little things for me I feel like I need to step up what I do for her more. The fact that she is dealing with all my baggage and now finding ways to spend time with me and my daughter are no little things to deal with. And now she's doing the little things. Sigh...it makes me feel like I must do more for her. She deals with so much and her isues army that bad to deal with. Most are just simple thought isues. Not that bad to deal with. Like useing the BF and GF titles. Not a big deal but she

Ho hum

So grace went to a rave last night...as a guard. Talked to her a bit before she went to bed. She said it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. I'm glad she's home safe and sleeping. So woke up with a start and a bad feeling. I now know why I had a bad feeling. At first I thought it was something to do with grace. After talking with her I know it wasn't about her. Whew. Then my boss woke up and told me the news. The truck has a check engine light on but no code with it. So we don't know what the problem is. I'm driveing to billings, mt. They have a shop there for us to get the truck checked out. So we hope it's something that we can drive home with or we are stuck there until it gets fixed. Not good.
So grace said she's tierd of all her movies that she has. I'm going to set her up with my external hard drive and my old laptop or she can use her laptop. Anyways by doing that she will have the tv show I got her interested in. Hehe. How I met your mother. Good show. Plus I can put movies on it so there are other things she can watch. I just have to pick up the cords at best buy. It's not a big deal cus I need them anyways. I have been wanting to do something romantic with grace for a time now. I thought of two things. A diner cruise at lake tahoe or a day at the spa. She got way exited about the spa. So that's what will do. I plan on doing the diner cruise closer to her bday. I want to give her her bday present then. It's the best gift I can possably give her. Her gift is a round trip to LA by plain. So she can see her family. She's very close to her family. I won't always b able to do it for her but I want to do it when I can.

So I'm almost done with my bankrupcy. My three months should almost be done. I can't wait cus I want to buy a newer car. It will be used but better than what I got. I'm hopeing I can get a truck. I think a truck suits me. I have had two in the past and liked them. Didn't use them to haul stuff alot. Lol. But I'm SURE grace will have plenty of uses for it. Hehe. With all she has going on I'm sure once she knows she can use my truck any time she wants she will. Lol.

Also getting closer to haveing that local job I want. Hopefuly soon I can get my hazmat back and apply to more jobs. I have to update my resume and finish my coverletter. Grace said she would help me with it. I'm glad cus I want it to the best it can be. I'm hopeing for a driver possition first. If not that then a full time job doing what ever that pays at least $16.5 hour. That's my min. If not that then a job that works three 12hr shifts. That way I can drive my bosses other truck on the off days. See it can work like this. Local job about um $350 a week after taxs and going to LA and back witch would make me about $325 a week after taxs. So between the two it works out well. So I plan on redoing my app to petsmart and talking with the hireing guy to explain my idea. By doing that I think I have a chance to work there. You may ask why I want to work there so bad. Becuase that set up would be the best for me. I would have three work nights with grace and then one night in LA the the weekend home to do what ever. It's a great idea and hope I can make it work. Plus if I work on the dock putting bags of dog food on pallets I won't need a gym membership. I will be getting my work out at work. Sweet! Lol. Well that's it for now

Got no clue

So I'm bored and got no idea what's going to come out. Lol. So I'm driving in MO in the back roads. It's nice out here. Trees, open skys, fields and some homes here and there. There's so many places I would love to visit but never had time to stop at with a load. Time was aginst me. So by getting a local job I will be able to make plans to do things. I can't wait. I'm so close to it I can taste it. Grace took my paper work to the courts for me since I haven't been home to. She has no idea how much it ment to me. If u read my blog I haven't talked much about grace lately. Things are going great between us. It will be interesting to see how things go when I have a local job. I know I just know I'm going to spend most of my time with her. It will take a few weeks to realize that I'm not going out on the road to work. Lol I guess I have thought about this alot lately cus here's my plan. Oh ya I'm moveing into the friends place!!! Sweet! Anywhoo so since his place is much closer then were I'm liveing now it will be easier for me to leave her house. I won't need to stay over all the time. Um so much time I will have once I have a local job. I hope I don't smuther her. Lol. She has been so accomidating to me with her time. I made soap with her last week. It isn't as hard as I thought but it was fun. I want to try new things she hasn't tried yet. I'm so exited for her about her bussiness. I love seeing her so exited. I can see it in her eyes and when I'm texting or Talking on yahoo I can feel the exitment in her words. I haven't been able to read someone so well before. Either I'm being more atentive to her than any one else I have been with. Or she's just easy to read. Not sure witch. Oh ya the plan. Lol. Um the nights my friend has his kids over I would stay over at graces. Well atleast one of the nights. And hopefully she will stay over atleast once a week at my place. It would have to be Friday or Saturday night cus every other night she needs to be home to get ready for work and feed the critters. I guess I could go feed the critters during the week if I had a key but I don't see why I need a key yet. Only reason I would need a key would be to take care of the critters if she goes out of town or if I move in and I'm not ready to move in. I still want to be in the stage we are in now until grace moves us to the next level. What that level is I don't know. Lol. Yes I still want to marry her some day. My feelings are only growing stronger for her. And the rest of the week I'm sure I will go back and forth between her house and mine until she says..."I need a me day" and that day if it's a weekend I will go play golf or something. I'm sure once I get used to being home all the time I won't spend every moment I have with her. Things will mellow out. I just hope she can deal with my needyness for a few weeks. I don't think it will take that long for me to get used to.

Ok something else to talk about. Lol. So work has sucked lately. Problems here and there fugging everywhere!! I'm not getting home this weekend and maybe not until next weekend. I can't wait for a local job. I still need to make a deal with the IRS so my wages don't get garnished. One thing at a time. That's all I can do. Dammit I forgot my shaver. I'm getting hairy faced again. Plus I need to get a better car. Well I want a truck. It will have to be used. Don't have good enough credit to get a new one. Used will work for a few years. It's comfurting to know that I will have the life I want cus I'm willing to work hard to get it. So I decided to DNA test my daughter. I have to know now. I'm going to use graces house to have the resalts back. That way no one will know I did it and can't give me shit for it. Also I think I will let grace open the resalts of the test and have her tell me. Haha if she will do that for me. Haven't asked her yet. So my ex is haveing a baby shower and I have to go. I'm not looking forward to it. That's all I got for now

Ah ha I had a reader woohoo exited

So I had a reader and they even posted a coment. Sweet! So things with grace moved to a new level. It took me a day or so to realize it but driving always makes me think. So we went to AT&T to get me a new cover for my iPhone and a new phone and a new phone line for her business. She tried to get the line added to her account but they wouldn't let her unless she changed her number to a 775 number and then she wouldn't need another line. She has had her 619 number for 8 or 10 years and isn't an option to do. It's part of her and she has a hard time with change. So she asked me what I thought. I said I pay this much a month and that adding a line whould lower my bill. So she said ok. We got her a new phone and made my account to a family account. So two year contract fir her business and me for that matter. I had noticed that she was uneasy. At the time I thought it was because it was takeing for ever to get it all set up. But looking back I now know it was the comitment issues she has. Witch means she's trying realy realy hard to make things work between us and that things are going well between us. Makes me happy to know this. When chafing with her today on yahoo messager she called me dear. I got all warm and fuzzy fellings. Lol we talked about alot of things but one I'm going to hit up here.

So we were talking about family and visiting them and how I haven't seen my dad in a few years. I call him maybe once a week. If I'm realy bored. I don't like talking to him for many reasons but the biggest is that no matter how hard I try the talk always cuts short. Like a two min talk. That it. He calls me sometimes an still only two min long. I don't know what it is about his side of the family but I don't like them at all. The only ones I like are my cusins. Don't like my aunt and her boyfriend. I like my uncle but he's an idiot. Can barely take care of him self. I always felt weird around them. Um maybe it's me cus I feel alittle weird around my mom and step dad. Maybe I just can't be around my family for what ever reason. I have no problem being around graces family. I feel welcome and part of the family already. And since I have only been around them twice....isn't that strange. There has to be some reason I feel more comfertable around other familia then my own. Like when I went to my cusins baby shower. I had a good time but felt awquard around my family. I don't get it. I love my moms side of the family. I even feel comfertable around my step dads family. Most of the time. Aaaaahhhhhh maybe it's because I always feel like I'm being juged all the time. Like I'm not good enough to be with them. I can see how that is since I grow up never realy getting approveal for anything I accomplished. I was always told I can do better. Do better. Not good enough do better. It has to come from that. Now about my dad. Ever since I got my cdl I have always made the trip to see him. Only time he came to me was when he happened to be in the area and even then I had to meet him half way. I'm tierd of makeing all the effert to see him. If he wants to be in my life or his granddaughters life he has to step up and make an effert. Now since I talked to grace today. I have changed my idea alittle. Once I get a local job I may plan trips to see him and his family. We will see.

Grace took down my papers today to the court to get my name changed. Now she had to sign a few papers and the lady helping her said it souls be ok. So if all goes well maybe by the time I go home I can have my name legaly changed and can get my hazmat back and start applying to local jobs. I'm so exited!!! Oh and grace was telling me about some of the derby drama that's going on. Well one thing she talked about was haveing a shcedual to teach the fresh meat how to do all the skills of skateing. And that if one person choose a Friday night a month that the new girls could get the coaching they need. Plus that way everyone whould get along better and want to stay. But back to what I wanted to say. Grace talked about us in the long term. Well alot lately come to think of it. Maybe she's gettin over her issues about comitment. Idk but I'm happy were we stand. Blah blah blah ok bed time. Got to start driveing in a few hours and I'm sure I will be blogging then too since I started this thing at um 6 am. Lol

New place

So I haven't talked about this yet but here goes. So I work with my exs dad well I work for him. And I rent a room from them as well. The house is huge and it's a two story house. I live in the down stairs part. It has a kitchen and everything so I don't have to go upstairs at all if I don't want to. I have two doors that lead striaght to the down stairs area. So when my ex comes into town so I can see my daughter they (her new husband and her) stay there. Upstairs ofcoarse. So I get crap from her the whole time she's there. Working and liveing with the exs is overwelming now. It worked for a time but I HAVE to get the fug out of that place. A friend is renting a room and I asked about it and he said that I can rent it. The only problem is that my lease isn't up until august. I asked him if he could hold the room that long. He replayed to me about an hour ago. If he gets a tenant they will be out by august. I'm so freaking exited!!! It's a good size room and has cable in it and a dvr. Sweet!! I would have to share a bathroom but I do that now so no biggie. I can't wait for august to come. Plus grace may even stay there from time to time. Witch would be nice since I always stay at her place. I don't mind too much cus if I shower there she has a heater in the bathroom. OMG. It's great haveing that heater. When I buy a house it must hve a heater in the bathroom. It's a must!! You may ask why she doesn't stay at my place now. Well whould you stay at a girlfriends/boyfriends place with there ex and exs parents there too. Oh and there brother. I wouldn't stay over. Too much crap to deal with. So I understand why she won't stay over but it would be nice if she did. A change of pace. But I won't push her into it. And I don't expect her to stay over ever. It's a weird situation. Lol I'm not sure if I could sleep over at a place with all that going on. Nope. After seeing the room my friend is renting I already know how to set up my stuff in there. So exited. Did I mention that I'm exited!!! Oh not just because I'm getting out of the situation that I'm in now but because by then I should also have a local job by then. Well I fugging better have a local job. I don't care what I'm doing long as I'm not driveing over the road. Ok made it to Denver. Got to go.

Stupid driver an bad weather

Ok so this topic came up for me six hours ago. I was driving through Washington dc. Well the outer edge anyways. I hate traffic and it was bad today. Once it started moving again I saw an accident and it was way off the road. So everyone had to slow down and look. God I hate that!!! More about what I saw later. So about five miles later when I was merging onto a bigger freeway a guy in a car was looking down at something and almost ran right into me if I hadn't hit the brakes I whould have hit him. He had gone across three lanes of traffic and came with in less then a foot from the nose of the truck. Scared the crap out of me. Pissed me off. So when I past that accident I may have seen a dead body. I'm not sure if there was a body or not but got me thinking. I have never seen a dead body before other than on tv or movies. I went my my stepdads dads funeral and it was an open casket but I didn't go up to see and say goodbye. I don't know how I whould react to seeing a dead body. I thought I may have become a cop but haveing to go to accidents and possably shoot someone. I decided I couldn't do that. I would have bad dreams for ever. Lol.

Why is it that when there is ba weather there are two types of drivers. Ones that slow way the fug down and ones that act stupid by doing stupid things. Driveing way too fast for contituons and swerving in and out of traffic. Stupid drivers. That goes for the poeple that don't know how to merge properly. I mean ten times today I have had poeple in cars do stupid things. It's like this....they are comeing on the free way and are about 80' ahead...yes AHEAD of me and then they see me and slow or fugging stop and get behind me. What the fug!!! There was another thing I wanted to put down but I forgot. Oh well.

Aaahhhhaaaa

I just figuered out why I want to read graces blog so bad. My ex held secrets and wouldn't let me meet her friends because she had secrets that afected me. I don't want secrets between me and grace. Since I have been with grace I haven't kept anything from her and I belive that she isn't holding any secrets but i'm not sure all I can do is ask. But if I ask then that shows I don't trust her so I won't ask and that goes for the other thing as well. If she didn't want to be with me she would have ended it by now...I think. But I trust her and love her and our time together is great and I should just exept that things are good and not worry and just enjoy my time with her. :0)

Worried

That has me so worried and has made my mind go crazy. I'm worried about things I most likely shouldn't be worried about. Since my last relationship failed manly because I was and am gone so much. I worry that grace will end things for the same reason. Now I only feel this way when I'm on the road. When I'm with her I feel fine and that she wants to be with me. We don't talk much about us and how things are going but I assume that if there was something wrong or an issue she whould bring it up to me. My ex held things in till it was too late so I hope that grace isn't doing that as well. Everything we talk about (us) she says everything I'm doing is fine and enough. She thinks I do alot for her and doesn't want to take advantage of me and start to expect things from me. In relationships I feel like a child until I have no sought In my mind that we are totaly together. It will take me being with grace for a year to feel that way. I think after a year you know things are fine and can relax a bit. Not saying that I or you should stop doing things the way you have been for the last year. Why do I always have bad feeling when I'm on the road. I hate feeling this way cus I blog it then when I'm home I don't feel that way any more but I don't blog how I feel when I'm home. Why is that? Well grace is up now and off to work. Once she gets there and goes on yahoo messager she will see what I did from my last post. Worrieing about that made me think that I should ask her if she still has feeling of wanting to run away. I'm not sure if I should MSG her the question or call and ask her or wait till I get home and ask her face to face. Idk I could just be over reacting. I'm going to try to wait til I'm home that way I have time to think about it and if it comes out that she does ....I don't know what I will do. All the time I spend with her I never feel like she wants to run....wait I have only when she's around my daughter.

Thought just popped into my head. This weekend well last weekend. Everyone was talking about haveing kids. Grace told me that she always said that if she was going to have kids it would be by the time she was 33 and married. She turns 33 in September. But in other talks she said that she's glad she doesn't have kids. So I don't know what to think. Lol after all I have said and put down in blogs here if she asked me to have a kid with her I would under one codition. We get maried. As things stand right now I KNOW for a fact that THAT isn't going to or even crossed her mind. Lol. I may love her but I feel that she's working throught issues of her own. The only thing I hope is that she is doing and working her issues out for herself and not because I have influenced her to do so or doing it for me. I don't think or want her to change for me or anyone. All I want for her is to be happy and if I'm in that happyness all the better cus that whould make me happy

Blogs

I don't know why it's so hard for me not to look at graces blog. I want to know what she puts down but I respect her wishes and haven't read a thing. Why am I so nosey? Things are good between us so I should be happy but every time I go out on the road I have a feeling that she's going to end things. And I KNOW that's because of my last relationship. I'm affriad it's going to go down the same way. Maybe that's y I haven't been sleeping well if at all lately.

Well finished one load now we are off to get the next and drive somewhere near Denver. Part of me likes the road and part of me hates it like crazy. Moneys good but home time sucks! I want a local job so bad I can taste it. Blank for the moment back when driveing......Shit shit shit!!!!! I think I came across her blog. I'm not sure thought. I was going through blogs to see what there was out there and as the page was loading I saw something that said it maybe hers so. I left as fast as I could but she may still think I read something idk. I told here I may have come across it and left as I could. I feel bad and worried. Very very worried

Post secret and postcard secrets

I have been reading secrets that poeple have and all kinds of old feelings came up that I thought I had buried deep inside. I'm crying from the pain of memeries. All from things poeple have gone theough. I have menu secrets and may send in a post card my self. Or I will blog it here. I haven't decided yet. I'm overwelmed with the pain and don't want to be too quick. What if some one I know reads it. Here they will know me on the site they won't know it's me. But I can say this... When I was younger from how my family acted that holding in your feeling was the way things were done. Atleast that's what I pocked up on. So that's what I did. I would hold in all the pain I was feeling until I lashed out. All the pain was still there but I was noticed atleast. Grace has told me some of her past and the picture that she has painted for me isn't a happy child hood but she made the best of it. She has an outlook on life of the good that can happen. I feel at times that there is something she's hiding from me but it doesn't feel like it's a bad thing...well bad to me...um about me I mean. Anyways back to me. I want to finaly let go of my pain my secrets but worrie that she will see this or one of her friends and tell her. I just remmembered that she said I can put it down here and just save it and not post it. I will do that first but if the pain stays then I will post it so all can see it. That way it will be out and should be gone from me forever

Driveing thoughts

I haven't read graces blog yet and it's hard for me not to. For my nature is to want to know things. The hardest part is when I know when she has done one. On our trip back she said she hadn't wrote one in a long time and plans to write one soon. She also said she hasn't read mine since that first time. I would feel horable if I found out she was lieing to me. Just as I'm sure if I read her blog and she found out. It would be a major issue that trust would b lost. Like I know she has a diary. She told me that she blogs things she can and uses her diary to put things down that she can't put in her blog. Because so menu poeple know about her blog and doesn't want to have back lash from it. I don't like to b in her house alone because the temptation to find her dairy and find out how she realy feels is strong. But I don't look for thing and always ask before looking for something. I don't want to come across anthing she doesn't want me to see. Besides the feelings I reseve from her are loveing and desire and want. Long as I feel that she wants to be with me I won't read her blog. Long as I feel that she is being honest and true to herself and me I have no reason to read her blog. All I feel is longing but after spending all my time with her after a week I can tell she's ready for some time alone. Witch I understand. She is trying so hard to be with me. I just hope she's doing it for her self and not for me. As much as it would hurt for her to let me go. I would rather it be sooner then later. Do I...do I realy feel that way. I think I would have/be with her any way I could get her. At times I feel like she doesn't know how or can't exept that someone loves her for what she is...dings and all. It's as if she thinks she's not worth someones love so openly...some one that makes it so clear that they want her and to be around her. I'm interested in everything she does. It's an intersting feeling knowing that you want to spend the rest of your life with some one and haven't been with them very long. But it's true I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Man I'm exhausted. I need to sleep but I can't I have too drive. I need to make some money. I'm broke. I got $100 in my account. I haven't been this broke in a long time. I have to make $2500 by the 1st or I'm screwed. I hate not paying bills on time. All the time I have taken off has fugged me. But the time I got to spend with grace has been priceless. I wouldn't have missed her stemcell donation for any reason. I made plans with her and I haven't missed those plans yet but now I can't make any plans or miss any work for anything. Well I will miss work for only a few reasons. The highest one would be if she ended up in the hospital...let's hope that doesn't happen. Ok almost drove off the road so got to go

Adding to post

I was going to add to a post but this is easier. I don't remember what I was going to say. Lol so... I hvent slept well I the last few days and I'm working off of three hours of sleep. I need more but every time I'm exhausted all kinds of feelings come up that I didn't know I had. Like I always feel like I'm going to screw up my relationship with grace. Now I only feel that way when I'm on the road. I can only assume that it's because that's what caused my last relationship to fail. Well a part of it anyways. I have slot of issues to work through. I love grace and tell her so when I can't hold it in any more. The time fram between sayings is comeing closer and closer together. I don't expect grace to say it back to me...yet. It's still way early to be saying it. And why is it that I namely blog about her. I can only think it's because she's always on my mind. Almost every second of every day. To be honest it's kinda creepy right? On our way back up to Reno from LA this weekend we talked slot and she told me about how she felt when she first met me. She told me that she wanted to run away as fast as she could. I need to ask her if she still has feelings like that. Ok sleep time I hope

No sleep

So I left graces realy fast last night since I had to go to work. I hated leaveing like that but had no choice. I got about three hours of sleep and started driving. I finished driveing a few hours ago. I layed down and fell asleep and had a dream where grace was with that guy and I woke up. I don't understand why I had that dream. I called grace and told her about it minus what guy and she said with my past she could understand that. I told her I haven't felt a vibe that she was doing anything and she said that's good. She didn't say thy she wasn't doing anything but that's what I'm getting from her. So all is well. I'm happy being with her and I beloved that she's happy to be with me. Back to not sleeping. I'm so tiers but can't sleep. This always happens when I drive the night shift. I have a realy hard time sleeping in the day.

My iPhone crashed again!!! I lost everything. My music my apps and my numbers. I hate the fact that the iPhone won't let you save numbers to the sim card. It's so stupid!!! So pissed!!!

I hvent talked about this yet but grace does rollerderby. At first it was realy cool and I enjoyed going. I even got skates to skate with her. We haven't skated together yet but I had fun doing it and will keep skateing. The only part that I'm haveing second thoughts about is becomeing a ref for there bouts. There is so much droma with rollerderby. It's getting me down about skateing and even going to practice. I go now only because I want to spend time with grace. I enjoy every moment I get to spend with her. Like right now after takeing so much time off lately I'm not sure when the next time I will get to see her. And I'm not sure when I'm going to see my daughter again either. I can't wait to have a local job. Spending time with grace will be easier and seeing my daughter as well. I plan to move out of were I am now and rent a room from a friend. I know at first I will spend slot of time with grace because I won't be used to being home all the time. It will take me some time to get used to that fact. Ok got to go try to sleep

M day

Well the baby shower was fun. Seeing all my family was nice. Seeing graces family was nice too. Had a great time. Now back to the grind stone. Work work work. Add more later but right now must sleep. After this weekend I have no doughts that grace wants to be with me. I may still be gelious from time to time but I belive and can feel that grace won't do anything to hurt me. The fear of her useing me is faded if not gone. The guy I thought she was interested in ...um he may be interested but I think it's only cus he can't have her and is gelious. As how grace feels about it is well my guess is that in her eyes is only eye candy. Something to look at and feel Gorky about. I don't think she would do anything until she ended things with me and I don't feel that she wants to end things with me yet. Things are GREAT. The affection I got and felt this weekend was great and strong. Enough about that now about other things. I have getton my add in the paper done and on thrursday I can take the paper work to the courts and finish my name change. Then I can get my hazmat back and apply to so menu more local jobs. I'm so exited to have ... Well a LIFE again. I don't know what I would have done with out graces support. She has opens my eyes on so menu things. Thinking about one right now. I have to go and research it some so. That's it for now

Trip

Well tommorrow grace and I are going to LA for my cusins baby shower. It's going to b a long day for me. I have to drive or b awake all day and then drive all the way to LA. Starting at 5pm we wouldn't get to LA until 3am or so. Why does everything have to be a cluster fuck. We my not have a load back to Reno in time for me to drive back down to LA tommorrow. Arg. I may have to fly home then drive down. It's still early but we will see.

Happyness

Grace and I are doing great! She seems to have loosened up some and is starting to enjoy being with me. :0) I haven't been this happy with someone ever. I helped her do alot around here house yesterday. Part because I wanted to help and the other is because I was bored. I hate not working. I have a hard time keeping my self busy. Well I can always find things to do but most cost money and since I'm not working at the moment I'm trying not to spend alot of money. I got my newspaper articel in the mail so in just 8 days I can take it to the courts and have my name changed. Yay! Then I can get my hazmat back on my cdl and apply to more local jobs. So I'm moving in the right detection. I'm fact every part of my life is moveing in the right way now. Bliss. It's great. Happy happy go lucky. Lol that's all I have to say.

thinking

in laying in bed and i thinking about grace. i realized that she will never stay over at my place because of my exs family. and i understand if we were going to have sex but i would like her to stay over just once even if there wasnt sex. i just like to have her next to me.

anywho...so im feeling much better now. i havent puked from either end. lol. i have eaten and i had a nice day with a friend. i was dieing at home...so bored!!! why do i need others around to not be bored? i dont get it. im alone on the truck so much and never talk to poeple on the phone....oh thats why. duh!! i do chat with a few poeple through the day but out of ten to 12 hours at a time i only chat with poeple maybe an hour of that. im so bored all the time out on the road that when im home i have to try to keep myself busy or i get bored at home. witch happens alot. i have always needed others around to have a good time. crap i need to just go out and do things by my self. explore around the city i live in since i dont know jack about it and where things are. lol. well im off to bed. later

Yuk

So I got so sick I went to the urgent care. I told grace that I was better. I told her that so she wouldn't be worried about me and whould have a good time at the wedding. She couldn't do anything for me down in SD. I'm feeling better now. I kept food down last night. So that's good. I went to the WC and helped set up for the bout. I helped the guy that grace has feelings for put up the banners. Again. Me grace and her wife put them up in last wed. So when I say that they were down again I got pissed. But me and this guy put them back up. It was wierd to work with the guy that grace flirts with. No other girl has flirted with him from what I see but I see him flirt with alot of the other girls. Like yesterday. He flirted with five girls in like ten min. Now I guess he could have just been goofing off but that is a form of flirting. Well got to go

Ummm what?

What am I doing? I love grace. Whould do almost anything for her. Yet I know that she's interested in someone else. Why haven't I confronted her yet? And how can I know I love her already. I still haven't seen her mad or sad or a few other things. I mean realy I bearly know her. I told her a month after we met that I loved her. Scary. If I was her I whould have diched me then. So why is she stil with me? She must feel some kind of pull toward me. I can see diferent emotions in her eyes all the time. Some loveing and desireing and others the oposite. To me it seems like she doesn't know how to deal with me. In the fact that I'm treating her right and liveing her. It's almost like she's not willing to be loved and doesn't know how to be loved. Idk all I know is that I chearish every moment I spend with her.

Other news. I hve been sick for two days now. I finaly slept last night. Yay. And I'm able to eat some crackers now. And they are staying in me for the time anyways. Lol well speaxking of staying. Got to go:0(

Sick

Well for the last 20 hours I have been puking from both ends. Grace texted me and asked how I was feeling. Told here the true and I said that she shouldn't worrie about me and have a good time with her friend. I'm dieing here. I wish she was here but her wedding she's going to is more important. I hope she is haveing a good time. It was nice of her to check up on me. I hope she does it again. If I can't stop shitting and if I can't keep something in my system. I'm off to the hospital. How can I tell grace that I'm going. It would wreck her time down in SD. I couldn't do that. She needs a nice weekend.

Mmmm

I noticed just now that we haven't giggled alot lately. I wounder why that is. I can see on graces face that she's trying to decide something. I don't know what it is but I do know that if it's anything to do with me I have been open and striaght forward and haven't held anything back. It's a first for me and it seems to be working. I have been able to read grace well and most of the time I'm right but sometimes I'm wrong. I enjoy every moment I get with grace. I hope things work out as well as I want things to go. Only time will tell. I can wish I can hope I can beg but I can't force feelings on grace. Only she will know if we will last. I do know I need to start giggleing together again I miss that. So much to say but can't. Spending time with my kid.

Duh

So I'm an idiot. I'm being used. Atleast that's what it feels like at the moment. I was the thing to get the other guy to get to make a move. I'm holding back tears right now. I'm at practice and is realy hard. Am I wrong? Here's what I saw tonight. They look at each other across the room. She is the only one that bumps or any kind of contact with him(from what I can see) and he bumps or contacts her in a flirty way(she the only one that he does this to). Am I wrong in thinking that I'm being used so this guy makes a move on grace? The problem I have is that any time away from practice she is atentive to me. Holding hands, a hug, a kiss and just being there. The only time she isn't and doesn't want much to do with me is when we are at practice. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want everyone to know we are dateing or if she doesn't want the other guy to think we are that serious. Idk. We had sex last night and she was realy quiet. I felt like she was thinking of the other guy. It felt weird. She was there but not. Maybe im just over reacting. I do have trust issuse and I'm trying to get past them. Until last night I would have said things are going great with grace. And I still think they are but what I say last night altered my thinking a bit. It's the next morning and things seem fine again. She's texting me. I'm trying to think this through. If I was interested in someone and they seem to be interested in me but date someone else that would be wrong. No if I was interested in someone an they weren't interested in me and I dated someone else that would be ok long as the first person I was interested on didn't then say ok I want to date you. Would I could I dump the one I'm dateing to see how things would go with the new person? No I couldn't because I know that the new person is only interested in me because I'm dateing someone and they know they can't have me right now so the got interested. Once they get me things would work for a time but then they would fall apart. The wanting would leave and then I woul have lost the chance with both people and would feel like crap. How do I know this. I have done it in the past and had it done to me. It's not a good feeling. Well I'm going home to spend the day with my daughter. After reading my past posts I can see that at the time I write one and then comeing back to it later that I don't always feel the same way. I belive that by outing it down helps clear my mind and work through the small little isuess I have.

Arrg

So I'm in trouble with my ex becuase I didn't deposit money into her account as fast as she wanted. Sorry I was busy ding things and forgot. She asked me to put money in her account becuase she overdrafted her account and I had to drop what I was doing to help her. I have helped and done things that a normal ex wouldn't do. I can't do anything right when it comes to my ex. I do what she asks and I get shit for it cus they changed the way they do thing without telling me. Aaaarrrrggg. I give up I'm doing things my way from now on. If she don't like it oh well. I'm tierd of trying to keep things where she's happy and getting crap for it. Done

Blogs

I have looked around for the last um half hour at other poeples blogs. I read a few to see if I could coment but the few that I had something to say they had coments already saying what I would have said. Plus I just feel weird posting my thoughts on someones blog that I don't even know. Just seems weird to me. Now I don't mind if someone coments on my blog that I don't know so am I weird on this?

Ok so I'm done driving for the day and not knitting yet. Have so menu thoughts running through my head. Maybe I should knitt and not blog my thoughts. I did go crazy with blogs today. Lol ya that's what I'm going to do. Maybe knitting will quit my mind.

Knitting

I'm about two hours out from LA. Once I'm unloaded I plan to watch a movie and knitt. Hopefully it will keep me untertained. Grace went to a bday party. I wish I could have gone. I swear every time I leave town there's an event going on. I miss out on so much cus I'm driving over the road. I want a local job so bad. For so many reasons. The biggest is that I'm fed up with being gone all the time. Thus haveing no life. I'm sick of it. I'm stopping there before I go on a rant for an hour. Lol

State trees

Why oh why does every freeway, state highway, and back roads have the same state trees? Fugging cunstruction cones!!! They are everywhere!!! Such a pain in the ass. Every state has them and the speed changes in each zone. 55...45..35..even as low as 15 mph!!!!!! And they go for miles sometimes. The worst is when the guys are telling you to slow down. Even though your doing the speed limit!! If you wanted tragic to go slower...LOWER the fugging speed limit. I don't understand them. Stupids!! Not to mention that the states don't have any money to be doing the road repair but they do it anyways. Aarg. More constuction got to go

The little things

I'm looking back on the last week and all the little thing that grace has done. I never knew how much the little things ment. I have always done them for others but now reseveing them and it's great!! The little things make a huge diferance. A hug for no reason, a kiss, holding hands, and any affection in public. They all are little things but mean alot. Things are great. I think things will get better once I have a local job. I always have plans for two events. The good and the bad. I only see good for the future. It's a nice change of pace. I haven't said "I love you" to grace in some time. There's two reasons why I haven't. One: I know grace knows I love her. Two: I know it makes her uncomfertable. So I'm holding it in. I will start saying it again when she says it or when I can't hold it in anymore. Lol. I have told her things that I would have kept back til much later in our relationship but I wanted her to know everything she could about me before we spent months together and have one of those things be a deal braker. She's still with me so I'm happy that I did it that way. Well I better watch the road.

Drive

Well I'm in the truck and ready to go get my load. I have been away from grace for 30min or so. I haven't worked in some time and today is going to be a hard one. Driving and trying not to text or call grace. I don't know why I always want to know every little detail about what's she's doing but I do and I like to know things. Maybe it's because of my last relationship. How I was used and never was told the truth. Idk. I'm trying to not ask all the time when her phone goes off but I'm nosey. Lol. She's trying to be better at saying things straight our insted of a round about way. And I know it's hard for her and I apreaceate how she's trying. I said goodbye to her this morning and we hugged and a little kiss. It was great. I could feel the love in that hug. I belive that she's starting to have feelings for me. Well granted there hard to be some to start with or she wouldn't have been with me this long. Haha. As much as I want to stay home and spend more time with her I think it will be good for both of us to spend some time apart right now. Granted it's my work that's doing it but never the less it's time that we need apart. The heart grows fonder with time. Right? I can't wait to go to LA for my cusins baby shower. It's going to be a short visit but and great time. I will see my family and grace will see hers. I may plan little tiros like that this summer. It will be easier once I have a local job. Well I wanted to put other things down about driveing and lees plans about a truck but I have to go. Maybe tonigh when I stop I will write about it.

Heh

I have had a good time with grace. Now I won't be able to see her for almost two weeks. I'm not sure how this is going to make things. Better or worse. I belive that she needs some alone time since we have been together no stop fir a week straight. It's been an amazing week. I have enjoyed every moment with her. I hope that she did to and that with this time apart it won't brake us up. I'm hopeing it will bring us closer. I'm not going to try to talk to her tommorrow at work. She missed a week of work and things maybe sketchy there. I'm hopeing that everything will be fine and that they don't fire her. I couldn't bear it if she lost her job. I would take care of her. I would pay her bills and all I would ask is that I could move in. I wouldn't be able to suport her and myself liveing somewhere else. Now I know that my daughter wouldn't stay at her place when she was intown. Not yet anyways. Still too early. For that matter me living at her place would be too early but for me to suport her I would have to drive over the road until she found another job. Then I can look for a local job again. Wow I just went crazy there. Let's hope that she keeps her job and none of that happens yet. I would rather have her ask me to to move in then do it the way I just said.

Ok so I was talking with grace yesterday and there were two things I wanted to say but I decided not to. One: my ex wife told me that I didn't have to get a blood test on my daughter cus she knows that my daughter is mine. "just look and you can see that she's yours" my ex says. That right threre told me in my gut that my so called daughter wasn't mine. I couldn't take that kind of betral. My heart was broken not from the cheating or our brake up (well ok some from that but) it was from how she did it and talked down to me and flat out said that she never loved me and only married me so that she wouldn't have a kid out of wedlock. That was crushing. I have been thinking about testing my daughter to see if she is mine or not but if she isn't mine then what? What can I do I have papers saying she's mine and I think I sill would have to pay child suport bucase of those papers. Becides it would kill me. The only reason I even question it is becuse when my ex got prego we wernt having sex there was a three week time were we didn't have sex. Plus there were other things going on right at that time. Long story but the jist is that she was seeing another guy that had the same looks as me tall and thin. So as you can see I have reason to belive that she did cheat on me at that time.
Two: ya forgot the second thing. Lol. All I have left to say is that I haven't been happier in my life. Things with grace are going great! I enjoy spending all the time I can with her. She's still trying to get used to the idea of being in a cuople. So I know all this time together has pushed her um...patience to the max. The last two days we both did our own thing for a time and when I met back up with her she was all smiles. Expecialy yesterday. The jelious part of me says it's from her seeing the guy she has feelings for(I think she has feelings for) or it's was she was able to see her team skate and she got crafty. I don't know but I love to see her smile. Well she's still sleeping and I have to go soon so I want to cuddel up to her as much as I can.

golf

i played golf yesterday for the first time since november. i didnt play all that good but had some realy nice shots in. just enough of them to get me to come back for more. lol im playing tennis today with a friend and that sould be alot of fun. im exited. going to have pho for lunch. pho is tasty.

things with grace are going very well. there was a moment were i knew she was waiting until i left to talk to someone. she was looking in her car as if she was missing something but i know she had everything. she then started talking to someone and i felt jelious. i belive thats the guy that she has feelings for. i cant be sure but thats what my gut says. i left even though i thought i should stay and see what would happen. i trust her to do the right thing and not cheat on me. i dont have any reason to distrust her. i have these issues because of my exwife. she lied to me so meny times that i started to belive that the lies were truth and the truth were lies. i have trust isues. im working on them. grace is treating me so well lately. shes calling me dear, shes afering to pay for lunch, and spending alot of time with me. i know that its reaching the end of her talerance though. we have spent the 4 and half days in SD together with very little time apart. now we are home and other than the little time apart when i was golfing we havent been apart. i think shes holding out just another day since im going on the road tommorrow. and then she will get back into her normal everyday rutin. well im going to go and watch men who stair at goats. lol

its all done now

grace has donated her stem cells. it got scary for a time but it all worked out well. she is realy tierd and im trying to help her. theres not much i can do but im still trying. im letting her sleep as long as she needs to. we dont have to check out until noon so that helps. then we only have about three hours to wait til we need to go to the airport. i cant wait to get home and see her dog again. i get to drop her off at work then i go to pick up the dog then i think i will take him to the park for a time. then i will cook her diner and clean up just alittle. i cant clean up too much that would be stepping over the line, but thinking aboiut it i may just clean anyways and deal with the yelling. her arms have holes in them from the needels. and i dont want her to be lifting things right now. her mom was there with me when grace was all hooked up doing her donation thing. it was nice having her there. we had lunch together. it was nice. i talked to her alot and that was nice too. i enjoy being around graces family. i plan on finding a local job and once i do i cant wait to spend more time with grace. also i plan on making more trips to see my and graces family.

im not looking forward to working again. i may have to stay out for two weeks. until grace and i go to my cusins baby shower. i would have seen her more if i hadnt come down to the donation but there was no way i would have missed it so i will deal with working for so long with no rest. i would do anything for grace. i have found that i cant lie to her or her family. i dont know why but i belive its because i dont want to hide anything from her or her family. i dont want to haide anything from them. grace deserves the true. i have lied to my past girlfriends and once you make one lie the rest are easier. i dont wait that. i know or belive that grace is hiding things. i belive and expext that its all about her past relationships. she hasnt gone into them but i belive she gave alot and dindt reseve much back and thats why she doesnt give alot now. she is starting to give more now. saying boyfriend and holding hands and such. just those little things have made me so happy. im content with the way things are now. i wont push for anything more from her. im going to be happy and love her. the next move is on her. i belive that things will happen and they will happen at her pass. and im fine with that. got to go

hospital

so grace is donating some stem cells today. everything started off well but after about a half an hour into it her arm started to hurt ALOT!!! i could see that see was in alot of pain. it was all over her face. it broke my heart to see her in such pain and not able to do anything about it. i almost started crying. i didnt because her mom was right there and grace was there too and a nurse. they had to try to get it in another vain. now it seems to be fine. shes taking a nap right now. the time here has been magical. walking around with her, holding her hand and giggleing together and huging and all the time together has been amazing. she has called me her boyfriend so meny times. we giggle and laugh together and i cant see anything wrong with our budding relationship.it is great right now. i hope it will last. i know that we will have a fight or a problem of some kind but as things are its great.im in love with her and this experiance has been great. well shes takeinga nap right now so im going to go and get some food

monday

well i made it down here to SD. i was up almost all night friday. hold on heres how it whent. on thrusday grace got the to SD. i was in woodland, ca. i had a load that i could not get off of. so what i did was i drove from woodland to las vegas and grabbed a flight out of there. 180 bucks for last minute isnt too bad. i was going to rent a car but the time i saved by flighing was more then better to do then drive. plus i think rentting a car whould have been more. so i get to SD we head straight over to the hospital. one the poeple she is donation her stem cells too got her a limo serves. fugging sweet! so we are at the hospital get her shot and she showed me how to knitt. im getting better but that first day i had to restart several times. lol. so we get aride back to the hotel. i get to see it for the first time. its the W hotel. its frigging weird but i have started to get used to it. i wouldnt stay here if i was choseing a place to stay. but its a nice place once u get used to the weird things. lol so her mom and sisters came and picked us up. we went over to her grandperants house and i met them and uncle mike. i think. it was fun. we had a conversation on how to put socks and shoes on. in what order. so we left there and then we went to her mothers place. its a nice house i didnt see all of it but the out side has a nice garden. we were just chatin for a time then graces brother and his girlfriend came over. chatted for a little bit then we played nerts. a card game. after everyone got how to play the game it was a blast.then we had dinner. oh my god the food was yummy. once diner was over we went back to the hotel. had a little fun of our own. heehee. and went to bed. in the morning(sunday) we went to the mall and walked around had jammba juice and found me a belt and some swimming trunks. we went to the hospital get her shot then came back to the hotel. we tried to go to balboa park for erth day but it was insain trying to get there. so meny poaple. so graces mom grace and i decided to go to old town. it was cool. i had my camera with me but i didnt take a lot of pics. i always forget to take pics. lol. it was fun walking around eating and just chating and laughing. graces family is amazing. i feel like i could get very close to them. i all was wanted a bigger family to be apart of a bigger family that is. i belive if i am with grace for a few years i would become part of the family. i feel so welcome around them. they tease me i get a few shots in here and there. im almost constently laughing. its great. well its monday now so im off to the hospital soon.

More

I took one of those weeks off just because if I didn't I was going to go nuts. Being on a truck with just one other person can get on your nerves. Lol driving down to Vegas and I'm tierd but stil have atleast two hours to go. In my last post I was saying I hope grace knows what I'm doing for her. I belive she knows how much I'm doing for her. Part is because I want to do them for her and myself. I'm a giver. I enjoy giveing. Long as I get something in thx or return I'm happy. She made me some slippers and I love them. Every time I do something for her she says thank you and gives me a hug and a kiss. And that's all I need to reseve from her. Just being with me is more than enough. Now that I know where I stand I feel better. I don't have that feeling of not knowing. She has started to be more cuddely and atentive. It's a nice feeling knowing your wanted. But I hope it's at her pase. This is after she read my blog. I don't want her to do anything faster then what she's ready for. The next time I'm intown and my daughter too if she asks for me and my daughter to stay the night I will know that it's because of the blogs and I will say no. Same if she says she wants to stay at my place. When I had told her it was ok to read my blog I hadn't remembered what I pit in them. I read them later and was ashamed at what I had put. I have to start writeing about other things too. Not just about her. My probleem is that I don't have much else going on. Everything else going on I have lots of time to think about so I don't need to rite it down and read it later. Yes I delet my blogs. Either because I have thought things out and don't need them anymore but I deleted all my blogs because I hurt grace and it hurt me that I hurt her. I never want to hurt her again. Well I'm getting close to Vegas.

Yuk

I drive til just after 11pm. Last night. Grace made it to SD and the hotel ok. I went tosleep fast. I woke up 4 hours later. I felt ok. Then ten minutes later I just wanted to puke. I don't know y I felt that way but I did. It's not completly gone either. I hope I feel better real quick. I have to try to get alittle more sleep in. I have to drive today from about 3pm to 1am. I need to make it to las vegas so I can get to my flight to SD.

I talked to my mom yesterday(yes I talk to my mom a few times a week) and she just said the same thing like always just stay passative. Oh horseshit. I try to stay passative. It's the only thing keeping me going. The end resolt. Were I want to be. Now I admit that I have been tierd of driving a truck long haul for a very long time. I had been looking for a local job but just not fully looking for one. Not puttting 100% into it. Now that I'm dateing grace. She put a fire under my butt. And has motivated me to look very hard for one. Now she hasn't said a word to me about trying to find one and has only helped me to look for one. I decided I wanted a local job because I know she wouldn't stay with me for long if I was a long haul driver. For that matter no woman would. Grace opened my eyes to that affect. So I'm doing everything u can to find a local job. I wish I could tell you how great grace is but growing up my family didn't talk about there feelings we kept them inside and that's what I thought was normal. So I haven't been able to express my feelings well but I'm working on it. Grace gives me a smile that warms my heart and takes my breath away. The way she looks into my eyes cuts straight into my soel.i can see love, wanting, pain, heartach, desire in those eyes. It changes from time to time. Her hugs are devine. Now she does alot of crafty things and skates plus more things I don't even know about yet. Lol she is a very busy person. I feel like I'm intruding on her normal thing to do sometimes. I try to help her in any way I can. She sets time aside for me when I'm home. I am amazed at all that she does and trys to find time for me too. I have alot of baggage...kid, exwife, live with exs perants, work for them, have a crapy car, and through all that she is still giveing me a chance. If fir nothing else I love her for that. I love her for other reasons aswell but just giving me a chance is a huge plus. I can wait to get to SD and spend some time with her. Plus the main reason I'm going is I want to be in that room when she's donating her stem cells. I had to be there. It was all last minute. And I was on the road and had a load before she found out that she had to go down. I had an over welling feeling that I could not miss this!!! I took it to the point of were I was going to quit my job and just go. I told her this and she put reason back to my head. I started to cry. I can't say why but I did. I guess it was the overselling feelin that I had to go. As if my relationship with grace was on the line. I know it wasn't but it felt that way. After buying my plane ticket. And the miles I will get payed. It will be a wash for me. I hope. I hope she understands how much I'm dedicating to her. I took off an entire week for her so I could meet her family. Well maybe I didn't take the week off for her alone. I aplyed to jobs got some other things done too. I have taken off three weeks in about two months. I can't take any more time off from work right now. I'm almost broke. I haven't been this low on cash in some time. Well I have to try and get that sleep I was talking about so.....

Hahahahaha I'm stupid

Well I tried to sign in and I forgot witch email I used so I ended up makeing another blog. Lol haha I need more sleep.