What.... What do I do

So grace told me some news that has a chance to be realy bad. I am not going to say what it is. Today was my second day on my new job. Local work at last. I should blog about what happened to make this happen but that's a different story. So I fucked up my back early in the day. So bad that I was getting tears in my eyes just from moveing around. So I finished my day in pain. I broke some stuff and get me all worried that I may get in trouble. My coworker said not to worrie about it. But I can't not. Since it was my falt. So the night before grace told me the news. Then after work my kid was just being a pain. Went to see grace skate with the kid and the kid was giveing me all kinds of trouble. She didn't eat her dinner when she said she was hungry. So we were leaveing the skate place and then the kid said she had to pee. All the crap just hit me and I just went crazy. I'm calm now. But crying. I wish I could talk to someone but there isn't anyone to chat with. Ok roommate and his girl showed up so I'm going to go.

Love and saying it

How can you love someone and not say it to there face. I love grace. I have told her this inperson but mostly vea text or IM on yahoo. I haven't said it to her face in some time. Is it cus I don't want her to feel like she needs to say it back or is it that it hurts not hearing it said back? And I know she won't say it back becuase she's not ready to. Are time together is great and I have no worries but when we are apart I start getting that feeling. Like she is bidding smething or that there's something going on. I have moments were I have feeling like that when I'm around her but I dismiss them. I belive I know how honest she is and she isn't that kind of person to do that. She keeps makeing plans far out into the future. Like today. She was invited to a ren faire and it's in October. We are going together. I'm not sure if she asked me to go or I pushed my way into going but we are planing to go. I don't know where all these feelings are comeing from. I'm off the truck and shouldn't be feeling this way. It must be the fact that I quit my job and am starting a new job soon and I'm nerves about the whole thing. I have the feeling that she didn't want to be around me or my daughter today or tommirrow becuase she's doing something wrong and can't face me right away or it could be the fact that she said she hasn't been feeling her self lately and needs some time alone. I understand the time alone part. I'm just insacure from my last relationship. And I'm prabably messing this one up. Be abcause of it. I'm just straight out confused. I'm butting my tounge and just actsepting the way things are. And I should be happy. Grace is an amazing person.

nervus

well i took the lower paying job. im not sure at this time if i have made the right decision or not but in my head it makes sence. so thats all i can hope for. things are going well still. grace and i seem to be doing good. to me it seems like shes hideing something. i asked what she was doing this weekend and she said that she was going to be crafty most of saterday and skate and take a friend out to see a camidian. i was alittle suprised. i dont mind her takeing "me" days but she could have atleast told me. i dont think she would have told me unless i asked. i can feel that theres something there but i dont have a clue of what it is. she wasnt all cuddely last night. she sat away from me and then seemed to realize that and started to cuddle. It all could be in my head. She may miss her family and that's why she acts this way. I am on her computer and I can see that if I wanted to I could go straight to her bolg. I'm tempted but it would be wrong. I'm not sure if there would ever be a good reason to see her blog. I think today and tomorrow I will leave her alone unless she contacts me. She needs to work something out. I made a coment about comeing over after I put my daughter to bed and she said something that made me start thinking that there's something going on. Idk. I just like to spend time with her. I maybe reading into everything way too much. Some things I read too much and others that I should notice fly right by me. well i better start my day

New with me

Ok so I quit my job to find a local one. I have two places that want to hire me. One pays alot more but the other whould be easier to make plans with seeing my daughter. So I have until Thursday to choose. I will take the higher paying job if they say it's a go. If not then the lower paying job and make it work. It's scary to me because I don't like change. Well in the getting payed aspect anyways. And I guess in my life to. I like possative changes and getting a local job is in a possative direction. Grace has been a great at supporting me. She hasn't said what I should or shouldn't do but has been there for me to bounce my thoughts off of. And it has been a great help. For two years I have been wanting a local job but hadn't realy looked that hard. Since I met grace I have put my nose to the grindstone to find a local job. My boss and his wife ( exs parents) haven't talked to me or even looked at me. They are pissed at me for screwing them over. I don't see how I did. I have told them for over two months now that I'm takeing the first job that comes my way. So when I got an chance I took it. And there pissed at me for takeing it. It's like they don't see that it's the best thing for me and my daughter. I hope that they will come around because they have been I big part of my life for the last 6 years.

I had more to say but it left my head. Lol

hunting

So i quit my over the road driving job. And im about to go look for work in my home town. Well where i live now anyways. it has become my home. im alittle nervuse but exited as well. i had a good weekend with grace and my daughter. grace has been amazing. she is getting thing for my daughter to play with when she is over at graces house and things are going great between them. my daughter pushed the limits at dinner last night but we had done alot in the day so i know she was tierd and hungery. we didnt have a nap yesterday so her crankyness came out. other than that she was good most of the day. im giveing grace a few nights off from me and my daughter. i think this weekend was alot for her to take.

graces "friend" is dropping his dog off at her place. he needs to find a place to live and its harder to do with his dog with him all the time plus other reasons. im not too happy about it but im trying to keep my mouth shut. i know that this is the guy that she likes. so its hard for me to let them be alone at her house. i dont think anything would happen but i sometimes get the feeling like there is something going on. its a faint feeling like i had with my ex before but its lighter then with my ex. with my ex it was little then grow to yay theres no denighing it. lol



well i bettter get ready to go hit the payvment.

Powers. What would you do if you had a power or several?

This is how this topic came into my head. My girlfriend(Grace)had given me the nickname Captain Caveman because I grew up in a cave. I didnt experiance alot as a child but now shes takeing care of that. lol. And I'm loveing every moment!!The other is that shes on a derby team so everyone has a nickname. I had gotten another name thrust apon me. I like the one Grace gave me better. Plus I can do so much more with it. So i started looking for a sticker, patches and anything else i could find. then a thought came into my head.....What if you had super powers? Would you be good or evil? What kind of powers would you have? These and many other thoughts bombbarted my brain. I would love to say that I would be a good person if I had super powers but my very first thought was...MONEY!!!! then right after that......take my exwife to the moon and leave her there. lol As nice a thought that is...I cant take my daughters mother away from her.


So I started thinking of the powers I would have and what I would do with them. In all of the powers I thought of I allways did bad before I would do any good. Im assamed to admit it but life is so much easier with money. I know money isnt everything but I sure do like haveing it. I pose this question to you. What powers would you have and what would butyou do with them? And what if you only had them for a short time? Like a year, a month, a week or even just a day.

This is my answer. I would have supermans powers. Why cus there awesume!!! I would start off with brakeing into a bank and empty it of its money. I would do this until I had about $3,000,000. After that I would help the world with its problems. I know its selfish to do it that way but Im being realistic. I have thought of haveing other powers and what I would do with them but they all start out with getting money first. Im not proud of it but its the truth. oh and with xray vision you know what i would do with that! My girlfriend wont like it but Im a guy and I would have to atleast once. lol

Local job and easier

If I had a local job everything would be easier. Seeing my daughter would be easier. Spending time with grace would be easier. The best thing that could happen is if my ex would move back into town. As much as I don't want her that close to me it would make it easier for me to see may daughter. So it would be worth haveing the ex that close. Plus I just miss haveing a life. Being able to plan things and know u can do them. Grace has been talking about us as if we are going to stay together for atleast two years and longer. Last weekend I was home we trimmed some soap and my daughter wanted to help. So grace had her put samples in little baggies. My daughter asked y she couldn't help trim. Grace told her that the trimmer is sharp and doesn't want her to cut herself so when she is 6 she can help trim. Graces words not mine. That right there means she has atleast thought we will still be together or atleast close friends. She has been amazing lately. More so then the begining. She is so awesome. I love everything about her. Now I still haven't seen her mad yet. I'm mean at me or just pissed off in general. Little upset here and there but I'm sure it's different if it's toward me. I don't see how I can piss her off but I'm sure it will happen one way or another. I mean come on I'm a guy. It's bound to happen. Lol. She has opened up to me about her past and I was thankful that she did. As I thought it wasn't a happy happy past. She told me about her relationship with her dad. It wasn't very good and still isn't but she is trying to see if that can change. Little at a time. The reason I tell you this is that my situation with my daughter isn't the best. Not her falt but my ex and I don't get along at all. Mainly bucase my ex is a bitch to me all the time and I can only handle so much before my temper goes off. The one that gets hurt the most is my daughter. I have always tried to keep things smooth but my ex has to have drama and so starts giveing me shit until I can't take it any more. So to help things along to make them easier I'm moveing out of that house. I have been working on that for a time and found a place and started moveing over. What grace had told me about her dad and her had a good impact on me. I have started to make things easier between me and my ex and with what grace told me will help me pay attention to why is Bering said and done around my daughter. I know I seem to always talk about grace but when that's all that's going on in my life and she's all I think about. What else am I suposed to write about? Mmmmm tell me. Nothing else realy matters. I talk about my daughter from time to time but I only see her once or twice a month. Driveing is booooorrrrring. Trust me on that one. Oh a tree. Wow. Or a house neat!! Realy after you have driven 650,000 plus miles everything looks the same!!! And I'm so tierd of driveing over the road...
I would do anything to have a local job. My body is brakeing down much faster on the truck then when I hve a local job. Plus I'm just to that point of fuck it. I don't care. And that's not good when ur driveing a truck that weights upwards of 80,000 pounds. U can kill anything with that much weight. Since I got pushed into the career in the first place by my ex I want to strangle her just for that alone. Lol. Plus I smoke out on the road. I hate smokeing. I have quit a few times and thought I had it done with the last time cus I thought I had set up a local job but it fell through. That seems to be my life story. Get close to what u want and them poof it's gone. That's why I want to make any any local job work. I don't care if I have two jobs. One full time and a part time. Because I know I know for a fact that grace won't wait too long for me to get a local job. If it takes too long she will get tierd of not havein me around and say see ya. She's the beat time that has happened to me since my daughter was born. I don't want to lose her just because I didn't have a local job. I couldn't handle that. I would..... Well anyways. I'm almost to my next pick up so better go. Later all

Job

I'm so tierd of missing everything becuase of my job. I have been wanting a local job for two years now but haven't realy looked hard for one until now. What changed you ask. Grace came into my life and put the fire under my ass. She hasn't told me that I must do this. She is suportive in anything I do but she makes sure it's for the right reasons. She is amazing. She has been so acamidating to everything. This last weekend when I was home and had my daughter she spent time with her and she didn't mind haveing her around. From what it looked like anyways. She did take some time to be by herself and then a friend to someone that was going through a brake up. I understood on both accounts. One she had spent alot of time with me and my daughter. I was ok with her takeing time to do what ever she wanted. I don't expect her to spend time with me all the time and drop everything she has going on just to spend time with me. That's selfish of me to want that. And I'm not that way. I think it's great that she wants to get to know my daughter. I would never ask or expect her to be my daughters second mother. But the fact that she is trying to be friends with her says alot. We all went bowling and it was fun until we were leaveing and my daughter ran off to hide. It scared the shit out of me!!! We found her and I took her outside to talk to her and asked why she did that. I was pissed and at the edge of tears with worry. Grace came over and talked to her as I said by to friends that came with us. I didn't want to say bye at the time I wanted to talk to my daughter but grace was already talking to her. I almost started crying again because grace was talking to her. I didn't expect grace to do that. It suprised me in a good way. I haven't told her I loved her inperson in some time. I want to but I always think of how soon it is and how I know she won't say it back yet and I don't want to push her into saying it. The second is that she needed to talk to her friend. It cut down time I would have with her but it was fine. Things come up. The whole weekend was great. I had a great time with my daughter and with grace.

Back to the job thing. I can't stand being gone from her this much any more. I want to be around her. I don't need her undivided atention all the time. Just being near her is enough. I want to have a local job so I can see my kid more and make plans to go on mini trips with grace and my daughter. Everything whould be so much better with a local job. Plus I'm just fed up with driveing over the road. The hours suck. And home time is a joke. The big problem is that when I get home I know I don't have alot of time home so I try to cram as much stuff in as I can. And I don't get to see my daughter alot since my ex moved out to BFE and only comes into town once a month. And when I get home she dumps the kid off on me from moment one to the last second before I leave. I don't get a second to myself. Granted I should spend time with my daughter and I do want to. It's just how my ex handles it pisses me off and makes me not want ti spend time with my daughter. It's so frustrating. And it's not fair to my daughter. The last weekend I chomped down on my tounge and had a great time with my daughter. I didn't let my ex get to me. It was an awesome time with my daughter. I miss her already. The fact that grace spend time with both of us was great.

The place I'm moveing into has a pool and my daughter loves the water. It's going to work out well at the new place. And hopefully by me being out of the house where my ex stays when she drops off my daughter to me is across town things should get easier. Well there should be less drama. That's what I'm hopeing for anyways. My ex loves drama an can't live without it so I'm sure there will be new reasons to bitch at me.

Things between grace and i are going smoothly. After this last weekend I feel like things will only get better and once I have a local job even better. Speaking about local job. I'm going to see what's ourt there today. Haven't checke yet.

Grace and ex and kid

So I had a fight with my ex about three weeks ago. It was bad. I had lost my temper and said something I shouldn't have. I cooled down and tried to fix things. No responce. Whatever. So there was a big party for her and her new hubby and the fact they where haveing a kid. I made plans to stay somewhere else because I couldn't be around her. I may have started up the fight again. I didn't want that so I picked up my daughter and left. I stayed at the house I'm moveing into. It was a great weekend. Spending time with my daughter. And grace spent time with me and my daughter. I know it was a huge step for grace to do this. I can't say enough how much that means to me. To be able to spend time with grace and my daughter. It has been tarring me apart trying to spend time with both at the same time when I was home for only two days. I want to spend time with both. More time with my daughter cus I don't see her as much as I see grace. She has been amazing with how she has handled everything and how she talks about the future. She is talking about how to make things better and easier to spend time with my daughter and her at the same time. Not only that but talking about plans of other things that put me in the picture far into the future being with her. Ok far into the future is about 6months but that's still a long ways off. So I have been jelious about a few things but I'm not voiceing my thoughts cus I belive they are only thoughts and not truths. It's just my aprehention becuase of what has been done to me in the past. I still have a problem wanting to know about her blog and her diary. I wouldn't read them but I still want to know what she realy is thinking. She is quiet for the most part. Oh ya we had a talk cus she told me those words to me aweek ago. "we need to talk" I was going nuts. Worrieing and all. She told me not to and I setteled down abit. We had the talk and it showed her past to me. I had no idea of her past until then. Other than little chips here and there. It opened my eyes to how my daughter is Bering treated and I'm going to make things better. I always thought I had bees doing the right thing and after that talk I had with grace showe me I was makeing misstakes. Things are going great between us. She is doing little things for me here and there. I like the fact that she likes to help me but it's hard for me to take help. I'm a giver of help. I don't reseve help very well. Same as presents. I like to get them but at the same time I don't. I think she is the same way. Heck I know she is the same way. I help her every chance I get. I do some things without asking and just do it but most of the time I'm asking before I do anything. Lately she has been saying no she doesn't need my help. And I understand and she told me why. It's because she doesn't want to take advantage of my kindness and abouse it. I'm glad she's starting to say no to me. It's hard for her to take help but is working on acepting it when she realy needs it. Since she started doing little things for me I feel like I need to step up what I do for her more. The fact that she is dealing with all my baggage and now finding ways to spend time with me and my daughter are no little things to deal with. And now she's doing the little things. Sigh...it makes me feel like I must do more for her. She deals with so much and her isues army that bad to deal with. Most are just simple thought isues. Not that bad to deal with. Like useing the BF and GF titles. Not a big deal but she