Sick

Well for the last 20 hours I have been puking from both ends. Grace texted me and asked how I was feeling. Told here the true and I said that she shouldn't worrie about me and have a good time with her friend. I'm dieing here. I wish she was here but her wedding she's going to is more important. I hope she is haveing a good time. It was nice of her to check up on me. I hope she does it again. If I can't stop shitting and if I can't keep something in my system. I'm off to the hospital. How can I tell grace that I'm going. It would wreck her time down in SD. I couldn't do that. She needs a nice weekend.

Mmmm

I noticed just now that we haven't giggled alot lately. I wounder why that is. I can see on graces face that she's trying to decide something. I don't know what it is but I do know that if it's anything to do with me I have been open and striaght forward and haven't held anything back. It's a first for me and it seems to be working. I have been able to read grace well and most of the time I'm right but sometimes I'm wrong. I enjoy every moment I get with grace. I hope things work out as well as I want things to go. Only time will tell. I can wish I can hope I can beg but I can't force feelings on grace. Only she will know if we will last. I do know I need to start giggleing together again I miss that. So much to say but can't. Spending time with my kid.

Duh

So I'm an idiot. I'm being used. Atleast that's what it feels like at the moment. I was the thing to get the other guy to get to make a move. I'm holding back tears right now. I'm at practice and is realy hard. Am I wrong? Here's what I saw tonight. They look at each other across the room. She is the only one that bumps or any kind of contact with him(from what I can see) and he bumps or contacts her in a flirty way(she the only one that he does this to). Am I wrong in thinking that I'm being used so this guy makes a move on grace? The problem I have is that any time away from practice she is atentive to me. Holding hands, a hug, a kiss and just being there. The only time she isn't and doesn't want much to do with me is when we are at practice. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want everyone to know we are dateing or if she doesn't want the other guy to think we are that serious. Idk. We had sex last night and she was realy quiet. I felt like she was thinking of the other guy. It felt weird. She was there but not. Maybe im just over reacting. I do have trust issuse and I'm trying to get past them. Until last night I would have said things are going great with grace. And I still think they are but what I say last night altered my thinking a bit. It's the next morning and things seem fine again. She's texting me. I'm trying to think this through. If I was interested in someone and they seem to be interested in me but date someone else that would be wrong. No if I was interested in someone an they weren't interested in me and I dated someone else that would be ok long as the first person I was interested on didn't then say ok I want to date you. Would I could I dump the one I'm dateing to see how things would go with the new person? No I couldn't because I know that the new person is only interested in me because I'm dateing someone and they know they can't have me right now so the got interested. Once they get me things would work for a time but then they would fall apart. The wanting would leave and then I woul have lost the chance with both people and would feel like crap. How do I know this. I have done it in the past and had it done to me. It's not a good feeling. Well I'm going home to spend the day with my daughter. After reading my past posts I can see that at the time I write one and then comeing back to it later that I don't always feel the same way. I belive that by outing it down helps clear my mind and work through the small little isuess I have.

Arrg

So I'm in trouble with my ex becuase I didn't deposit money into her account as fast as she wanted. Sorry I was busy ding things and forgot. She asked me to put money in her account becuase she overdrafted her account and I had to drop what I was doing to help her. I have helped and done things that a normal ex wouldn't do. I can't do anything right when it comes to my ex. I do what she asks and I get shit for it cus they changed the way they do thing without telling me. Aaaarrrrggg. I give up I'm doing things my way from now on. If she don't like it oh well. I'm tierd of trying to keep things where she's happy and getting crap for it. Done

Blogs

I have looked around for the last um half hour at other poeples blogs. I read a few to see if I could coment but the few that I had something to say they had coments already saying what I would have said. Plus I just feel weird posting my thoughts on someones blog that I don't even know. Just seems weird to me. Now I don't mind if someone coments on my blog that I don't know so am I weird on this?

Ok so I'm done driving for the day and not knitting yet. Have so menu thoughts running through my head. Maybe I should knitt and not blog my thoughts. I did go crazy with blogs today. Lol ya that's what I'm going to do. Maybe knitting will quit my mind.

Knitting

I'm about two hours out from LA. Once I'm unloaded I plan to watch a movie and knitt. Hopefully it will keep me untertained. Grace went to a bday party. I wish I could have gone. I swear every time I leave town there's an event going on. I miss out on so much cus I'm driving over the road. I want a local job so bad. For so many reasons. The biggest is that I'm fed up with being gone all the time. Thus haveing no life. I'm sick of it. I'm stopping there before I go on a rant for an hour. Lol

State trees

Why oh why does every freeway, state highway, and back roads have the same state trees? Fugging cunstruction cones!!! They are everywhere!!! Such a pain in the ass. Every state has them and the speed changes in each zone. 55...45..35..even as low as 15 mph!!!!!! And they go for miles sometimes. The worst is when the guys are telling you to slow down. Even though your doing the speed limit!! If you wanted tragic to go slower...LOWER the fugging speed limit. I don't understand them. Stupids!! Not to mention that the states don't have any money to be doing the road repair but they do it anyways. Aarg. More constuction got to go

The little things

I'm looking back on the last week and all the little thing that grace has done. I never knew how much the little things ment. I have always done them for others but now reseveing them and it's great!! The little things make a huge diferance. A hug for no reason, a kiss, holding hands, and any affection in public. They all are little things but mean alot. Things are great. I think things will get better once I have a local job. I always have plans for two events. The good and the bad. I only see good for the future. It's a nice change of pace. I haven't said "I love you" to grace in some time. There's two reasons why I haven't. One: I know grace knows I love her. Two: I know it makes her uncomfertable. So I'm holding it in. I will start saying it again when she says it or when I can't hold it in anymore. Lol. I have told her things that I would have kept back til much later in our relationship but I wanted her to know everything she could about me before we spent months together and have one of those things be a deal braker. She's still with me so I'm happy that I did it that way. Well I better watch the road.

Drive

Well I'm in the truck and ready to go get my load. I have been away from grace for 30min or so. I haven't worked in some time and today is going to be a hard one. Driving and trying not to text or call grace. I don't know why I always want to know every little detail about what's she's doing but I do and I like to know things. Maybe it's because of my last relationship. How I was used and never was told the truth. Idk. I'm trying to not ask all the time when her phone goes off but I'm nosey. Lol. She's trying to be better at saying things straight our insted of a round about way. And I know it's hard for her and I apreaceate how she's trying. I said goodbye to her this morning and we hugged and a little kiss. It was great. I could feel the love in that hug. I belive that she's starting to have feelings for me. Well granted there hard to be some to start with or she wouldn't have been with me this long. Haha. As much as I want to stay home and spend more time with her I think it will be good for both of us to spend some time apart right now. Granted it's my work that's doing it but never the less it's time that we need apart. The heart grows fonder with time. Right? I can't wait to go to LA for my cusins baby shower. It's going to be a short visit but and great time. I will see my family and grace will see hers. I may plan little tiros like that this summer. It will be easier once I have a local job. Well I wanted to put other things down about driveing and lees plans about a truck but I have to go. Maybe tonigh when I stop I will write about it.

Heh

I have had a good time with grace. Now I won't be able to see her for almost two weeks. I'm not sure how this is going to make things. Better or worse. I belive that she needs some alone time since we have been together no stop fir a week straight. It's been an amazing week. I have enjoyed every moment with her. I hope that she did to and that with this time apart it won't brake us up. I'm hopeing it will bring us closer. I'm not going to try to talk to her tommorrow at work. She missed a week of work and things maybe sketchy there. I'm hopeing that everything will be fine and that they don't fire her. I couldn't bear it if she lost her job. I would take care of her. I would pay her bills and all I would ask is that I could move in. I wouldn't be able to suport her and myself liveing somewhere else. Now I know that my daughter wouldn't stay at her place when she was intown. Not yet anyways. Still too early. For that matter me living at her place would be too early but for me to suport her I would have to drive over the road until she found another job. Then I can look for a local job again. Wow I just went crazy there. Let's hope that she keeps her job and none of that happens yet. I would rather have her ask me to to move in then do it the way I just said.

Ok so I was talking with grace yesterday and there were two things I wanted to say but I decided not to. One: my ex wife told me that I didn't have to get a blood test on my daughter cus she knows that my daughter is mine. "just look and you can see that she's yours" my ex says. That right threre told me in my gut that my so called daughter wasn't mine. I couldn't take that kind of betral. My heart was broken not from the cheating or our brake up (well ok some from that but) it was from how she did it and talked down to me and flat out said that she never loved me and only married me so that she wouldn't have a kid out of wedlock. That was crushing. I have been thinking about testing my daughter to see if she is mine or not but if she isn't mine then what? What can I do I have papers saying she's mine and I think I sill would have to pay child suport bucase of those papers. Becides it would kill me. The only reason I even question it is becuse when my ex got prego we wernt having sex there was a three week time were we didn't have sex. Plus there were other things going on right at that time. Long story but the jist is that she was seeing another guy that had the same looks as me tall and thin. So as you can see I have reason to belive that she did cheat on me at that time.
Two: ya forgot the second thing. Lol. All I have left to say is that I haven't been happier in my life. Things with grace are going great! I enjoy spending all the time I can with her. She's still trying to get used to the idea of being in a cuople. So I know all this time together has pushed her um...patience to the max. The last two days we both did our own thing for a time and when I met back up with her she was all smiles. Expecialy yesterday. The jelious part of me says it's from her seeing the guy she has feelings for(I think she has feelings for) or it's was she was able to see her team skate and she got crafty. I don't know but I love to see her smile. Well she's still sleeping and I have to go soon so I want to cuddel up to her as much as I can.

golf

i played golf yesterday for the first time since november. i didnt play all that good but had some realy nice shots in. just enough of them to get me to come back for more. lol im playing tennis today with a friend and that sould be alot of fun. im exited. going to have pho for lunch. pho is tasty.

things with grace are going very well. there was a moment were i knew she was waiting until i left to talk to someone. she was looking in her car as if she was missing something but i know she had everything. she then started talking to someone and i felt jelious. i belive thats the guy that she has feelings for. i cant be sure but thats what my gut says. i left even though i thought i should stay and see what would happen. i trust her to do the right thing and not cheat on me. i dont have any reason to distrust her. i have these issues because of my exwife. she lied to me so meny times that i started to belive that the lies were truth and the truth were lies. i have trust isues. im working on them. grace is treating me so well lately. shes calling me dear, shes afering to pay for lunch, and spending alot of time with me. i know that its reaching the end of her talerance though. we have spent the 4 and half days in SD together with very little time apart. now we are home and other than the little time apart when i was golfing we havent been apart. i think shes holding out just another day since im going on the road tommorrow. and then she will get back into her normal everyday rutin. well im going to go and watch men who stair at goats. lol

its all done now

grace has donated her stem cells. it got scary for a time but it all worked out well. she is realy tierd and im trying to help her. theres not much i can do but im still trying. im letting her sleep as long as she needs to. we dont have to check out until noon so that helps. then we only have about three hours to wait til we need to go to the airport. i cant wait to get home and see her dog again. i get to drop her off at work then i go to pick up the dog then i think i will take him to the park for a time. then i will cook her diner and clean up just alittle. i cant clean up too much that would be stepping over the line, but thinking aboiut it i may just clean anyways and deal with the yelling. her arms have holes in them from the needels. and i dont want her to be lifting things right now. her mom was there with me when grace was all hooked up doing her donation thing. it was nice having her there. we had lunch together. it was nice. i talked to her alot and that was nice too. i enjoy being around graces family. i plan on finding a local job and once i do i cant wait to spend more time with grace. also i plan on making more trips to see my and graces family.

im not looking forward to working again. i may have to stay out for two weeks. until grace and i go to my cusins baby shower. i would have seen her more if i hadnt come down to the donation but there was no way i would have missed it so i will deal with working for so long with no rest. i would do anything for grace. i have found that i cant lie to her or her family. i dont know why but i belive its because i dont want to hide anything from her or her family. i dont want to haide anything from them. grace deserves the true. i have lied to my past girlfriends and once you make one lie the rest are easier. i dont wait that. i know or belive that grace is hiding things. i belive and expext that its all about her past relationships. she hasnt gone into them but i belive she gave alot and dindt reseve much back and thats why she doesnt give alot now. she is starting to give more now. saying boyfriend and holding hands and such. just those little things have made me so happy. im content with the way things are now. i wont push for anything more from her. im going to be happy and love her. the next move is on her. i belive that things will happen and they will happen at her pass. and im fine with that. got to go

hospital

so grace is donating some stem cells today. everything started off well but after about a half an hour into it her arm started to hurt ALOT!!! i could see that see was in alot of pain. it was all over her face. it broke my heart to see her in such pain and not able to do anything about it. i almost started crying. i didnt because her mom was right there and grace was there too and a nurse. they had to try to get it in another vain. now it seems to be fine. shes taking a nap right now. the time here has been magical. walking around with her, holding her hand and giggleing together and huging and all the time together has been amazing. she has called me her boyfriend so meny times. we giggle and laugh together and i cant see anything wrong with our budding relationship.it is great right now. i hope it will last. i know that we will have a fight or a problem of some kind but as things are its great.im in love with her and this experiance has been great. well shes takeinga nap right now so im going to go and get some food

monday

well i made it down here to SD. i was up almost all night friday. hold on heres how it whent. on thrusday grace got the to SD. i was in woodland, ca. i had a load that i could not get off of. so what i did was i drove from woodland to las vegas and grabbed a flight out of there. 180 bucks for last minute isnt too bad. i was going to rent a car but the time i saved by flighing was more then better to do then drive. plus i think rentting a car whould have been more. so i get to SD we head straight over to the hospital. one the poeple she is donation her stem cells too got her a limo serves. fugging sweet! so we are at the hospital get her shot and she showed me how to knitt. im getting better but that first day i had to restart several times. lol. so we get aride back to the hotel. i get to see it for the first time. its the W hotel. its frigging weird but i have started to get used to it. i wouldnt stay here if i was choseing a place to stay. but its a nice place once u get used to the weird things. lol so her mom and sisters came and picked us up. we went over to her grandperants house and i met them and uncle mike. i think. it was fun. we had a conversation on how to put socks and shoes on. in what order. so we left there and then we went to her mothers place. its a nice house i didnt see all of it but the out side has a nice garden. we were just chatin for a time then graces brother and his girlfriend came over. chatted for a little bit then we played nerts. a card game. after everyone got how to play the game it was a blast.then we had dinner. oh my god the food was yummy. once diner was over we went back to the hotel. had a little fun of our own. heehee. and went to bed. in the morning(sunday) we went to the mall and walked around had jammba juice and found me a belt and some swimming trunks. we went to the hospital get her shot then came back to the hotel. we tried to go to balboa park for erth day but it was insain trying to get there. so meny poaple. so graces mom grace and i decided to go to old town. it was cool. i had my camera with me but i didnt take a lot of pics. i always forget to take pics. lol. it was fun walking around eating and just chating and laughing. graces family is amazing. i feel like i could get very close to them. i all was wanted a bigger family to be apart of a bigger family that is. i belive if i am with grace for a few years i would become part of the family. i feel so welcome around them. they tease me i get a few shots in here and there. im almost constently laughing. its great. well its monday now so im off to the hospital soon.

More

I took one of those weeks off just because if I didn't I was going to go nuts. Being on a truck with just one other person can get on your nerves. Lol driving down to Vegas and I'm tierd but stil have atleast two hours to go. In my last post I was saying I hope grace knows what I'm doing for her. I belive she knows how much I'm doing for her. Part is because I want to do them for her and myself. I'm a giver. I enjoy giveing. Long as I get something in thx or return I'm happy. She made me some slippers and I love them. Every time I do something for her she says thank you and gives me a hug and a kiss. And that's all I need to reseve from her. Just being with me is more than enough. Now that I know where I stand I feel better. I don't have that feeling of not knowing. She has started to be more cuddely and atentive. It's a nice feeling knowing your wanted. But I hope it's at her pase. This is after she read my blog. I don't want her to do anything faster then what she's ready for. The next time I'm intown and my daughter too if she asks for me and my daughter to stay the night I will know that it's because of the blogs and I will say no. Same if she says she wants to stay at my place. When I had told her it was ok to read my blog I hadn't remembered what I pit in them. I read them later and was ashamed at what I had put. I have to start writeing about other things too. Not just about her. My probleem is that I don't have much else going on. Everything else going on I have lots of time to think about so I don't need to rite it down and read it later. Yes I delet my blogs. Either because I have thought things out and don't need them anymore but I deleted all my blogs because I hurt grace and it hurt me that I hurt her. I never want to hurt her again. Well I'm getting close to Vegas.

Yuk

I drive til just after 11pm. Last night. Grace made it to SD and the hotel ok. I went tosleep fast. I woke up 4 hours later. I felt ok. Then ten minutes later I just wanted to puke. I don't know y I felt that way but I did. It's not completly gone either. I hope I feel better real quick. I have to try to get alittle more sleep in. I have to drive today from about 3pm to 1am. I need to make it to las vegas so I can get to my flight to SD.

I talked to my mom yesterday(yes I talk to my mom a few times a week) and she just said the same thing like always just stay passative. Oh horseshit. I try to stay passative. It's the only thing keeping me going. The end resolt. Were I want to be. Now I admit that I have been tierd of driving a truck long haul for a very long time. I had been looking for a local job but just not fully looking for one. Not puttting 100% into it. Now that I'm dateing grace. She put a fire under my butt. And has motivated me to look very hard for one. Now she hasn't said a word to me about trying to find one and has only helped me to look for one. I decided I wanted a local job because I know she wouldn't stay with me for long if I was a long haul driver. For that matter no woman would. Grace opened my eyes to that affect. So I'm doing everything u can to find a local job. I wish I could tell you how great grace is but growing up my family didn't talk about there feelings we kept them inside and that's what I thought was normal. So I haven't been able to express my feelings well but I'm working on it. Grace gives me a smile that warms my heart and takes my breath away. The way she looks into my eyes cuts straight into my soel.i can see love, wanting, pain, heartach, desire in those eyes. It changes from time to time. Her hugs are devine. Now she does alot of crafty things and skates plus more things I don't even know about yet. Lol she is a very busy person. I feel like I'm intruding on her normal thing to do sometimes. I try to help her in any way I can. She sets time aside for me when I'm home. I am amazed at all that she does and trys to find time for me too. I have alot of baggage...kid, exwife, live with exs perants, work for them, have a crapy car, and through all that she is still giveing me a chance. If fir nothing else I love her for that. I love her for other reasons aswell but just giving me a chance is a huge plus. I can wait to get to SD and spend some time with her. Plus the main reason I'm going is I want to be in that room when she's donating her stem cells. I had to be there. It was all last minute. And I was on the road and had a load before she found out that she had to go down. I had an over welling feeling that I could not miss this!!! I took it to the point of were I was going to quit my job and just go. I told her this and she put reason back to my head. I started to cry. I can't say why but I did. I guess it was the overselling feelin that I had to go. As if my relationship with grace was on the line. I know it wasn't but it felt that way. After buying my plane ticket. And the miles I will get payed. It will be a wash for me. I hope. I hope she understands how much I'm dedicating to her. I took off an entire week for her so I could meet her family. Well maybe I didn't take the week off for her alone. I aplyed to jobs got some other things done too. I have taken off three weeks in about two months. I can't take any more time off from work right now. I'm almost broke. I haven't been this low on cash in some time. Well I have to try and get that sleep I was talking about so.....

Hahahahaha I'm stupid

Well I tried to sign in and I forgot witch email I used so I ended up makeing another blog. Lol haha I need more sleep.