update

so grace and i broke up. its been two weeks tomorrow. i did all i could to keep things going for my peace of mind.i hadnt talked to her the hole time. until yesterday. we talked for a few min. i need her as a friend right now. she told me what she has been up to. she says she has to donate more stem cells. i told her i would watch the dog for her. my roommate says im makeing a big mistake by what im doing. i know that by not letting her chase me i will most likely loose my chance to get back with her. i cant help it. im going to do what i need to do. i cant change who i am. im a helper. i care for her enough that i want to be sure that she is happy. with me or not. shes a great person or has the ability to be. and i want her in my life. maybe by doing what i do will remind her how much she misses all that i did for her. or it will back firer in my face. oh well what is done is done.

Time....how things change

So grace and I are doing well. Haveing a good time with eachother. Things seem to be great. One time grace talked about her possable move and said it would be a hard choice since I'm in her life now and then another time it was like she made up her mind and then another time she said she has no idea of what or where her life will be in a year. Witch makes sence. I have no idea where I will be in a year. I have a plan but who knows what will happen.
My new job is going well. I'm alittle nervuse about next month. I will have my own route and the hand held and miller. It's alot to learn all at once. More later. Time to work

so much to say not sure i can remember it all

so my new job is great. i learned yesterday that i will be in a driving possition on the 23rd of next month. yay for more money. still havent realy made any friends or golf buddys yet but i will in time. my daughter has been great....most of the time. it has been great haveing her around so much. i enjoyed the time we had together but she heads home on wensday next week. not happy but it is what it is. i talked to my ex about getting the papers on our new agreement on child support and she said it all depends on how things work out in the next month. bitch!! she knows i dont have a car that can make it out there and back yet. i have been looking and i think i can find one that is in my price range but then it would be just as crapy as the one i have now. so whats the point.....i have to get one that i can finance. my mom and step dad said no to giving me a loan so i can get a car. i didnt expect them to do it but i hoped. i can ask my dad but i dont think theres a chance in hell he will help me so i havent asked. i made plans to go see him next weekend and dont want to make it like im only going to see him for money. i cant get financed for a car until i get my papers back from my bankrupcy back. and who knows when that will be.

so last night i was at graces and i went to bed about 9:45 she came in and talked to me about something. i was half asleep at the time. so she came to bed later. i didnt even feel her come to bed. i was out!!! then the table next to me fell or the glass shifted or something... all the glasses fell and broke and woke us up frightened. she cleaned up the glass. i fell back to sleep. then some cats decided to fight near the house and it was loud as hell. so i didnt sleep well to say the least. i was so exhausted all day. after i talked to my ex i was in a bad mood. cranky. put the kid to bed and now this....

in the last few days or week i have noticed that grace has something on her mind or bothering her but i cant ask what it is cus if she wanted to tell me she would have said something. itsw been so great with her the last month or so. she has been such a huge help with my daughter. she hasnt told me what i should do but she has suggested things i can do or try. she is amazing.

it slipt from my mouth before i relized i said it. i left her a voice messege and at the end i said it. "i love you" i text her or yahoo her it from time to time but i havent said it in some time and i still havent said it to her face. i cant avoide it i love her and want to be with her for ever. i cant change my mind and dont want to. she has become more accepting of the bf and gf words.

there was one moment where i thought i was being dooped. it was at the bout. i could see the guy and i noticed that he was looking at her for most of the bout. i was her glance at him a few times. i could be over reacting or just jeliouse. i know i am but i get the same feelings that i got from when i was with my ex and she cheated on me. i dont think grace would but i cant help but feel that with this one guy she would. idk. part of this could be that im just cranky right now and saying its this or that. blamming others for my crappyness. well i better down a few more beers and head off to bed. laters

so i woke up this morning and i realized that i am bothered that i spend all my time over at graces and she hasnt spend much time over at my place. for that matter i start almost every contact everyday. every once and awhile i would like to be contacted be her first. have her do something for me instead of me doing everything for her. i dont mind doing things for her but alot of things are starting to bother me. it maybe from my stress from my new job and money isues. but i dont thing its only that. i think some is what i put down already. idk. could be that im just so tierd from burning the candle at both ends.

didnt know

so several things. i have my aughter tonight an i dont know what to o activity wise. just watching tv. nice relaxing night. i need it. so i have spent time with grace lately and i dont feel like i have had qulity time with her. we spen time together but shes always doing something. i understand that shes busy but i woul like one night were we can just do nothing and just be together. last night kina pisse me off. we did arands and had diner and that was nice but i went to be as she staye on the computer and she didnt even wake me up when she came to bed for any fun. i guess she didnt want to do anything but thats fine.

so i finished my third week at coors. i like what im doing but i didnt make my full 40 hours this week. im about 10 hours shy. i need to get a part time job to help me even my cash flow out. other than that im exite about my job. i cant wait to get my own route.

लोटस न्यू गोइंग ओं

well i have had my local job for two weeks now. i like it alot. its more physical than im used to but i have been sitting on my ass for five ears. so anything would be more physical. lol. i spent almost all last week with my daughter. well after work. it wore me down. getting up at 3 am everyday and not going to bed till 9 or almost 10 pm sucked. spent some time with grace. it was a nice time with her and my daughter. she has been just amazing. the time we have spent together has been great. she is helping me see that there is a different way to handle my daughter. its the way i always wanted to handle things but my ex makes it so hard for me to do anything my way. but i have put a change to her plans. im not just doing what ever she wants anymore and its pissing her off. im enjoying every time i can see her go crap he has a backbone afterall. how do i handle this? lol bitch. hahaha. grace and i are doing well. but i still think theres more to come. when we have been together longer. but all looks well. with grace and i and my new job. loveing life right now.

What.... What do I do

So grace told me some news that has a chance to be realy bad. I am not going to say what it is. Today was my second day on my new job. Local work at last. I should blog about what happened to make this happen but that's a different story. So I fucked up my back early in the day. So bad that I was getting tears in my eyes just from moveing around. So I finished my day in pain. I broke some stuff and get me all worried that I may get in trouble. My coworker said not to worrie about it. But I can't not. Since it was my falt. So the night before grace told me the news. Then after work my kid was just being a pain. Went to see grace skate with the kid and the kid was giveing me all kinds of trouble. She didn't eat her dinner when she said she was hungry. So we were leaveing the skate place and then the kid said she had to pee. All the crap just hit me and I just went crazy. I'm calm now. But crying. I wish I could talk to someone but there isn't anyone to chat with. Ok roommate and his girl showed up so I'm going to go.

Love and saying it

How can you love someone and not say it to there face. I love grace. I have told her this inperson but mostly vea text or IM on yahoo. I haven't said it to her face in some time. Is it cus I don't want her to feel like she needs to say it back or is it that it hurts not hearing it said back? And I know she won't say it back becuase she's not ready to. Are time together is great and I have no worries but when we are apart I start getting that feeling. Like she is bidding smething or that there's something going on. I have moments were I have feeling like that when I'm around her but I dismiss them. I belive I know how honest she is and she isn't that kind of person to do that. She keeps makeing plans far out into the future. Like today. She was invited to a ren faire and it's in October. We are going together. I'm not sure if she asked me to go or I pushed my way into going but we are planing to go. I don't know where all these feelings are comeing from. I'm off the truck and shouldn't be feeling this way. It must be the fact that I quit my job and am starting a new job soon and I'm nerves about the whole thing. I have the feeling that she didn't want to be around me or my daughter today or tommirrow becuase she's doing something wrong and can't face me right away or it could be the fact that she said she hasn't been feeling her self lately and needs some time alone. I understand the time alone part. I'm just insacure from my last relationship. And I'm prabably messing this one up. Be abcause of it. I'm just straight out confused. I'm butting my tounge and just actsepting the way things are. And I should be happy. Grace is an amazing person.

nervus

well i took the lower paying job. im not sure at this time if i have made the right decision or not but in my head it makes sence. so thats all i can hope for. things are going well still. grace and i seem to be doing good. to me it seems like shes hideing something. i asked what she was doing this weekend and she said that she was going to be crafty most of saterday and skate and take a friend out to see a camidian. i was alittle suprised. i dont mind her takeing "me" days but she could have atleast told me. i dont think she would have told me unless i asked. i can feel that theres something there but i dont have a clue of what it is. she wasnt all cuddely last night. she sat away from me and then seemed to realize that and started to cuddle. It all could be in my head. She may miss her family and that's why she acts this way. I am on her computer and I can see that if I wanted to I could go straight to her bolg. I'm tempted but it would be wrong. I'm not sure if there would ever be a good reason to see her blog. I think today and tomorrow I will leave her alone unless she contacts me. She needs to work something out. I made a coment about comeing over after I put my daughter to bed and she said something that made me start thinking that there's something going on. Idk. I just like to spend time with her. I maybe reading into everything way too much. Some things I read too much and others that I should notice fly right by me. well i better start my day

New with me

Ok so I quit my job to find a local one. I have two places that want to hire me. One pays alot more but the other whould be easier to make plans with seeing my daughter. So I have until Thursday to choose. I will take the higher paying job if they say it's a go. If not then the lower paying job and make it work. It's scary to me because I don't like change. Well in the getting payed aspect anyways. And I guess in my life to. I like possative changes and getting a local job is in a possative direction. Grace has been a great at supporting me. She hasn't said what I should or shouldn't do but has been there for me to bounce my thoughts off of. And it has been a great help. For two years I have been wanting a local job but hadn't realy looked that hard. Since I met grace I have put my nose to the grindstone to find a local job. My boss and his wife ( exs parents) haven't talked to me or even looked at me. They are pissed at me for screwing them over. I don't see how I did. I have told them for over two months now that I'm takeing the first job that comes my way. So when I got an chance I took it. And there pissed at me for takeing it. It's like they don't see that it's the best thing for me and my daughter. I hope that they will come around because they have been I big part of my life for the last 6 years.

I had more to say but it left my head. Lol

hunting

So i quit my over the road driving job. And im about to go look for work in my home town. Well where i live now anyways. it has become my home. im alittle nervuse but exited as well. i had a good weekend with grace and my daughter. grace has been amazing. she is getting thing for my daughter to play with when she is over at graces house and things are going great between them. my daughter pushed the limits at dinner last night but we had done alot in the day so i know she was tierd and hungery. we didnt have a nap yesterday so her crankyness came out. other than that she was good most of the day. im giveing grace a few nights off from me and my daughter. i think this weekend was alot for her to take.

graces "friend" is dropping his dog off at her place. he needs to find a place to live and its harder to do with his dog with him all the time plus other reasons. im not too happy about it but im trying to keep my mouth shut. i know that this is the guy that she likes. so its hard for me to let them be alone at her house. i dont think anything would happen but i sometimes get the feeling like there is something going on. its a faint feeling like i had with my ex before but its lighter then with my ex. with my ex it was little then grow to yay theres no denighing it. lol



well i bettter get ready to go hit the payvment.

Powers. What would you do if you had a power or several?

This is how this topic came into my head. My girlfriend(Grace)had given me the nickname Captain Caveman because I grew up in a cave. I didnt experiance alot as a child but now shes takeing care of that. lol. And I'm loveing every moment!!The other is that shes on a derby team so everyone has a nickname. I had gotten another name thrust apon me. I like the one Grace gave me better. Plus I can do so much more with it. So i started looking for a sticker, patches and anything else i could find. then a thought came into my head.....What if you had super powers? Would you be good or evil? What kind of powers would you have? These and many other thoughts bombbarted my brain. I would love to say that I would be a good person if I had super powers but my very first thought was...MONEY!!!! then right after that......take my exwife to the moon and leave her there. lol As nice a thought that is...I cant take my daughters mother away from her.


So I started thinking of the powers I would have and what I would do with them. In all of the powers I thought of I allways did bad before I would do any good. Im assamed to admit it but life is so much easier with money. I know money isnt everything but I sure do like haveing it. I pose this question to you. What powers would you have and what would butyou do with them? And what if you only had them for a short time? Like a year, a month, a week or even just a day.

This is my answer. I would have supermans powers. Why cus there awesume!!! I would start off with brakeing into a bank and empty it of its money. I would do this until I had about $3,000,000. After that I would help the world with its problems. I know its selfish to do it that way but Im being realistic. I have thought of haveing other powers and what I would do with them but they all start out with getting money first. Im not proud of it but its the truth. oh and with xray vision you know what i would do with that! My girlfriend wont like it but Im a guy and I would have to atleast once. lol

Local job and easier

If I had a local job everything would be easier. Seeing my daughter would be easier. Spending time with grace would be easier. The best thing that could happen is if my ex would move back into town. As much as I don't want her that close to me it would make it easier for me to see may daughter. So it would be worth haveing the ex that close. Plus I just miss haveing a life. Being able to plan things and know u can do them. Grace has been talking about us as if we are going to stay together for atleast two years and longer. Last weekend I was home we trimmed some soap and my daughter wanted to help. So grace had her put samples in little baggies. My daughter asked y she couldn't help trim. Grace told her that the trimmer is sharp and doesn't want her to cut herself so when she is 6 she can help trim. Graces words not mine. That right there means she has atleast thought we will still be together or atleast close friends. She has been amazing lately. More so then the begining. She is so awesome. I love everything about her. Now I still haven't seen her mad yet. I'm mean at me or just pissed off in general. Little upset here and there but I'm sure it's different if it's toward me. I don't see how I can piss her off but I'm sure it will happen one way or another. I mean come on I'm a guy. It's bound to happen. Lol. She has opened up to me about her past and I was thankful that she did. As I thought it wasn't a happy happy past. She told me about her relationship with her dad. It wasn't very good and still isn't but she is trying to see if that can change. Little at a time. The reason I tell you this is that my situation with my daughter isn't the best. Not her falt but my ex and I don't get along at all. Mainly bucase my ex is a bitch to me all the time and I can only handle so much before my temper goes off. The one that gets hurt the most is my daughter. I have always tried to keep things smooth but my ex has to have drama and so starts giveing me shit until I can't take it any more. So to help things along to make them easier I'm moveing out of that house. I have been working on that for a time and found a place and started moveing over. What grace had told me about her dad and her had a good impact on me. I have started to make things easier between me and my ex and with what grace told me will help me pay attention to why is Bering said and done around my daughter. I know I seem to always talk about grace but when that's all that's going on in my life and she's all I think about. What else am I suposed to write about? Mmmmm tell me. Nothing else realy matters. I talk about my daughter from time to time but I only see her once or twice a month. Driveing is booooorrrrring. Trust me on that one. Oh a tree. Wow. Or a house neat!! Realy after you have driven 650,000 plus miles everything looks the same!!! And I'm so tierd of driveing over the road...
I would do anything to have a local job. My body is brakeing down much faster on the truck then when I hve a local job. Plus I'm just to that point of fuck it. I don't care. And that's not good when ur driveing a truck that weights upwards of 80,000 pounds. U can kill anything with that much weight. Since I got pushed into the career in the first place by my ex I want to strangle her just for that alone. Lol. Plus I smoke out on the road. I hate smokeing. I have quit a few times and thought I had it done with the last time cus I thought I had set up a local job but it fell through. That seems to be my life story. Get close to what u want and them poof it's gone. That's why I want to make any any local job work. I don't care if I have two jobs. One full time and a part time. Because I know I know for a fact that grace won't wait too long for me to get a local job. If it takes too long she will get tierd of not havein me around and say see ya. She's the beat time that has happened to me since my daughter was born. I don't want to lose her just because I didn't have a local job. I couldn't handle that. I would..... Well anyways. I'm almost to my next pick up so better go. Later all

Job

I'm so tierd of missing everything becuase of my job. I have been wanting a local job for two years now but haven't realy looked hard for one until now. What changed you ask. Grace came into my life and put the fire under my ass. She hasn't told me that I must do this. She is suportive in anything I do but she makes sure it's for the right reasons. She is amazing. She has been so acamidating to everything. This last weekend when I was home and had my daughter she spent time with her and she didn't mind haveing her around. From what it looked like anyways. She did take some time to be by herself and then a friend to someone that was going through a brake up. I understood on both accounts. One she had spent alot of time with me and my daughter. I was ok with her takeing time to do what ever she wanted. I don't expect her to spend time with me all the time and drop everything she has going on just to spend time with me. That's selfish of me to want that. And I'm not that way. I think it's great that she wants to get to know my daughter. I would never ask or expect her to be my daughters second mother. But the fact that she is trying to be friends with her says alot. We all went bowling and it was fun until we were leaveing and my daughter ran off to hide. It scared the shit out of me!!! We found her and I took her outside to talk to her and asked why she did that. I was pissed and at the edge of tears with worry. Grace came over and talked to her as I said by to friends that came with us. I didn't want to say bye at the time I wanted to talk to my daughter but grace was already talking to her. I almost started crying again because grace was talking to her. I didn't expect grace to do that. It suprised me in a good way. I haven't told her I loved her inperson in some time. I want to but I always think of how soon it is and how I know she won't say it back yet and I don't want to push her into saying it. The second is that she needed to talk to her friend. It cut down time I would have with her but it was fine. Things come up. The whole weekend was great. I had a great time with my daughter and with grace.

Back to the job thing. I can't stand being gone from her this much any more. I want to be around her. I don't need her undivided atention all the time. Just being near her is enough. I want to have a local job so I can see my kid more and make plans to go on mini trips with grace and my daughter. Everything whould be so much better with a local job. Plus I'm just fed up with driveing over the road. The hours suck. And home time is a joke. The big problem is that when I get home I know I don't have alot of time home so I try to cram as much stuff in as I can. And I don't get to see my daughter alot since my ex moved out to BFE and only comes into town once a month. And when I get home she dumps the kid off on me from moment one to the last second before I leave. I don't get a second to myself. Granted I should spend time with my daughter and I do want to. It's just how my ex handles it pisses me off and makes me not want ti spend time with my daughter. It's so frustrating. And it's not fair to my daughter. The last weekend I chomped down on my tounge and had a great time with my daughter. I didn't let my ex get to me. It was an awesome time with my daughter. I miss her already. The fact that grace spend time with both of us was great.

The place I'm moveing into has a pool and my daughter loves the water. It's going to work out well at the new place. And hopefully by me being out of the house where my ex stays when she drops off my daughter to me is across town things should get easier. Well there should be less drama. That's what I'm hopeing for anyways. My ex loves drama an can't live without it so I'm sure there will be new reasons to bitch at me.

Things between grace and i are going smoothly. After this last weekend I feel like things will only get better and once I have a local job even better. Speaking about local job. I'm going to see what's ourt there today. Haven't checke yet.

Grace and ex and kid

So I had a fight with my ex about three weeks ago. It was bad. I had lost my temper and said something I shouldn't have. I cooled down and tried to fix things. No responce. Whatever. So there was a big party for her and her new hubby and the fact they where haveing a kid. I made plans to stay somewhere else because I couldn't be around her. I may have started up the fight again. I didn't want that so I picked up my daughter and left. I stayed at the house I'm moveing into. It was a great weekend. Spending time with my daughter. And grace spent time with me and my daughter. I know it was a huge step for grace to do this. I can't say enough how much that means to me. To be able to spend time with grace and my daughter. It has been tarring me apart trying to spend time with both at the same time when I was home for only two days. I want to spend time with both. More time with my daughter cus I don't see her as much as I see grace. She has been amazing with how she has handled everything and how she talks about the future. She is talking about how to make things better and easier to spend time with my daughter and her at the same time. Not only that but talking about plans of other things that put me in the picture far into the future being with her. Ok far into the future is about 6months but that's still a long ways off. So I have been jelious about a few things but I'm not voiceing my thoughts cus I belive they are only thoughts and not truths. It's just my aprehention becuase of what has been done to me in the past. I still have a problem wanting to know about her blog and her diary. I wouldn't read them but I still want to know what she realy is thinking. She is quiet for the most part. Oh ya we had a talk cus she told me those words to me aweek ago. "we need to talk" I was going nuts. Worrieing and all. She told me not to and I setteled down abit. We had the talk and it showed her past to me. I had no idea of her past until then. Other than little chips here and there. It opened my eyes to how my daughter is Bering treated and I'm going to make things better. I always thought I had bees doing the right thing and after that talk I had with grace showe me I was makeing misstakes. Things are going great between us. She is doing little things for me here and there. I like the fact that she likes to help me but it's hard for me to take help. I'm a giver of help. I don't reseve help very well. Same as presents. I like to get them but at the same time I don't. I think she is the same way. Heck I know she is the same way. I help her every chance I get. I do some things without asking and just do it but most of the time I'm asking before I do anything. Lately she has been saying no she doesn't need my help. And I understand and she told me why. It's because she doesn't want to take advantage of my kindness and abouse it. I'm glad she's starting to say no to me. It's hard for her to take help but is working on acepting it when she realy needs it. Since she started doing little things for me I feel like I need to step up what I do for her more. The fact that she is dealing with all my baggage and now finding ways to spend time with me and my daughter are no little things to deal with. And now she's doing the little things. Sigh...it makes me feel like I must do more for her. She deals with so much and her isues army that bad to deal with. Most are just simple thought isues. Not that bad to deal with. Like useing the BF and GF titles. Not a big deal but she

Ho hum

So grace went to a rave last night...as a guard. Talked to her a bit before she went to bed. She said it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. I'm glad she's home safe and sleeping. So woke up with a start and a bad feeling. I now know why I had a bad feeling. At first I thought it was something to do with grace. After talking with her I know it wasn't about her. Whew. Then my boss woke up and told me the news. The truck has a check engine light on but no code with it. So we don't know what the problem is. I'm driveing to billings, mt. They have a shop there for us to get the truck checked out. So we hope it's something that we can drive home with or we are stuck there until it gets fixed. Not good.
So grace said she's tierd of all her movies that she has. I'm going to set her up with my external hard drive and my old laptop or she can use her laptop. Anyways by doing that she will have the tv show I got her interested in. Hehe. How I met your mother. Good show. Plus I can put movies on it so there are other things she can watch. I just have to pick up the cords at best buy. It's not a big deal cus I need them anyways. I have been wanting to do something romantic with grace for a time now. I thought of two things. A diner cruise at lake tahoe or a day at the spa. She got way exited about the spa. So that's what will do. I plan on doing the diner cruise closer to her bday. I want to give her her bday present then. It's the best gift I can possably give her. Her gift is a round trip to LA by plain. So she can see her family. She's very close to her family. I won't always b able to do it for her but I want to do it when I can.

So I'm almost done with my bankrupcy. My three months should almost be done. I can't wait cus I want to buy a newer car. It will be used but better than what I got. I'm hopeing I can get a truck. I think a truck suits me. I have had two in the past and liked them. Didn't use them to haul stuff alot. Lol. But I'm SURE grace will have plenty of uses for it. Hehe. With all she has going on I'm sure once she knows she can use my truck any time she wants she will. Lol.

Also getting closer to haveing that local job I want. Hopefuly soon I can get my hazmat back and apply to more jobs. I have to update my resume and finish my coverletter. Grace said she would help me with it. I'm glad cus I want it to the best it can be. I'm hopeing for a driver possition first. If not that then a full time job doing what ever that pays at least $16.5 hour. That's my min. If not that then a job that works three 12hr shifts. That way I can drive my bosses other truck on the off days. See it can work like this. Local job about um $350 a week after taxs and going to LA and back witch would make me about $325 a week after taxs. So between the two it works out well. So I plan on redoing my app to petsmart and talking with the hireing guy to explain my idea. By doing that I think I have a chance to work there. You may ask why I want to work there so bad. Becuase that set up would be the best for me. I would have three work nights with grace and then one night in LA the the weekend home to do what ever. It's a great idea and hope I can make it work. Plus if I work on the dock putting bags of dog food on pallets I won't need a gym membership. I will be getting my work out at work. Sweet! Lol. Well that's it for now

Got no clue

So I'm bored and got no idea what's going to come out. Lol. So I'm driving in MO in the back roads. It's nice out here. Trees, open skys, fields and some homes here and there. There's so many places I would love to visit but never had time to stop at with a load. Time was aginst me. So by getting a local job I will be able to make plans to do things. I can't wait. I'm so close to it I can taste it. Grace took my paper work to the courts for me since I haven't been home to. She has no idea how much it ment to me. If u read my blog I haven't talked much about grace lately. Things are going great between us. It will be interesting to see how things go when I have a local job. I know I just know I'm going to spend most of my time with her. It will take a few weeks to realize that I'm not going out on the road to work. Lol I guess I have thought about this alot lately cus here's my plan. Oh ya I'm moveing into the friends place!!! Sweet! Anywhoo so since his place is much closer then were I'm liveing now it will be easier for me to leave her house. I won't need to stay over all the time. Um so much time I will have once I have a local job. I hope I don't smuther her. Lol. She has been so accomidating to me with her time. I made soap with her last week. It isn't as hard as I thought but it was fun. I want to try new things she hasn't tried yet. I'm so exited for her about her bussiness. I love seeing her so exited. I can see it in her eyes and when I'm texting or Talking on yahoo I can feel the exitment in her words. I haven't been able to read someone so well before. Either I'm being more atentive to her than any one else I have been with. Or she's just easy to read. Not sure witch. Oh ya the plan. Lol. Um the nights my friend has his kids over I would stay over at graces. Well atleast one of the nights. And hopefully she will stay over atleast once a week at my place. It would have to be Friday or Saturday night cus every other night she needs to be home to get ready for work and feed the critters. I guess I could go feed the critters during the week if I had a key but I don't see why I need a key yet. Only reason I would need a key would be to take care of the critters if she goes out of town or if I move in and I'm not ready to move in. I still want to be in the stage we are in now until grace moves us to the next level. What that level is I don't know. Lol. Yes I still want to marry her some day. My feelings are only growing stronger for her. And the rest of the week I'm sure I will go back and forth between her house and mine until she says..."I need a me day" and that day if it's a weekend I will go play golf or something. I'm sure once I get used to being home all the time I won't spend every moment I have with her. Things will mellow out. I just hope she can deal with my needyness for a few weeks. I don't think it will take that long for me to get used to.

Ok something else to talk about. Lol. So work has sucked lately. Problems here and there fugging everywhere!! I'm not getting home this weekend and maybe not until next weekend. I can't wait for a local job. I still need to make a deal with the IRS so my wages don't get garnished. One thing at a time. That's all I can do. Dammit I forgot my shaver. I'm getting hairy faced again. Plus I need to get a better car. Well I want a truck. It will have to be used. Don't have good enough credit to get a new one. Used will work for a few years. It's comfurting to know that I will have the life I want cus I'm willing to work hard to get it. So I decided to DNA test my daughter. I have to know now. I'm going to use graces house to have the resalts back. That way no one will know I did it and can't give me shit for it. Also I think I will let grace open the resalts of the test and have her tell me. Haha if she will do that for me. Haven't asked her yet. So my ex is haveing a baby shower and I have to go. I'm not looking forward to it. That's all I got for now

Ah ha I had a reader woohoo exited

So I had a reader and they even posted a coment. Sweet! So things with grace moved to a new level. It took me a day or so to realize it but driving always makes me think. So we went to AT&T to get me a new cover for my iPhone and a new phone and a new phone line for her business. She tried to get the line added to her account but they wouldn't let her unless she changed her number to a 775 number and then she wouldn't need another line. She has had her 619 number for 8 or 10 years and isn't an option to do. It's part of her and she has a hard time with change. So she asked me what I thought. I said I pay this much a month and that adding a line whould lower my bill. So she said ok. We got her a new phone and made my account to a family account. So two year contract fir her business and me for that matter. I had noticed that she was uneasy. At the time I thought it was because it was takeing for ever to get it all set up. But looking back I now know it was the comitment issues she has. Witch means she's trying realy realy hard to make things work between us and that things are going well between us. Makes me happy to know this. When chafing with her today on yahoo messager she called me dear. I got all warm and fuzzy fellings. Lol we talked about alot of things but one I'm going to hit up here.

So we were talking about family and visiting them and how I haven't seen my dad in a few years. I call him maybe once a week. If I'm realy bored. I don't like talking to him for many reasons but the biggest is that no matter how hard I try the talk always cuts short. Like a two min talk. That it. He calls me sometimes an still only two min long. I don't know what it is about his side of the family but I don't like them at all. The only ones I like are my cusins. Don't like my aunt and her boyfriend. I like my uncle but he's an idiot. Can barely take care of him self. I always felt weird around them. Um maybe it's me cus I feel alittle weird around my mom and step dad. Maybe I just can't be around my family for what ever reason. I have no problem being around graces family. I feel welcome and part of the family already. And since I have only been around them twice....isn't that strange. There has to be some reason I feel more comfertable around other familia then my own. Like when I went to my cusins baby shower. I had a good time but felt awquard around my family. I don't get it. I love my moms side of the family. I even feel comfertable around my step dads family. Most of the time. Aaaaahhhhhh maybe it's because I always feel like I'm being juged all the time. Like I'm not good enough to be with them. I can see how that is since I grow up never realy getting approveal for anything I accomplished. I was always told I can do better. Do better. Not good enough do better. It has to come from that. Now about my dad. Ever since I got my cdl I have always made the trip to see him. Only time he came to me was when he happened to be in the area and even then I had to meet him half way. I'm tierd of makeing all the effert to see him. If he wants to be in my life or his granddaughters life he has to step up and make an effert. Now since I talked to grace today. I have changed my idea alittle. Once I get a local job I may plan trips to see him and his family. We will see.

Grace took down my papers today to the court to get my name changed. Now she had to sign a few papers and the lady helping her said it souls be ok. So if all goes well maybe by the time I go home I can have my name legaly changed and can get my hazmat back and start applying to local jobs. I'm so exited!!! Oh and grace was telling me about some of the derby drama that's going on. Well one thing she talked about was haveing a shcedual to teach the fresh meat how to do all the skills of skateing. And that if one person choose a Friday night a month that the new girls could get the coaching they need. Plus that way everyone whould get along better and want to stay. But back to what I wanted to say. Grace talked about us in the long term. Well alot lately come to think of it. Maybe she's gettin over her issues about comitment. Idk but I'm happy were we stand. Blah blah blah ok bed time. Got to start driveing in a few hours and I'm sure I will be blogging then too since I started this thing at um 6 am. Lol

New place

So I haven't talked about this yet but here goes. So I work with my exs dad well I work for him. And I rent a room from them as well. The house is huge and it's a two story house. I live in the down stairs part. It has a kitchen and everything so I don't have to go upstairs at all if I don't want to. I have two doors that lead striaght to the down stairs area. So when my ex comes into town so I can see my daughter they (her new husband and her) stay there. Upstairs ofcoarse. So I get crap from her the whole time she's there. Working and liveing with the exs is overwelming now. It worked for a time but I HAVE to get the fug out of that place. A friend is renting a room and I asked about it and he said that I can rent it. The only problem is that my lease isn't up until august. I asked him if he could hold the room that long. He replayed to me about an hour ago. If he gets a tenant they will be out by august. I'm so freaking exited!!! It's a good size room and has cable in it and a dvr. Sweet!! I would have to share a bathroom but I do that now so no biggie. I can't wait for august to come. Plus grace may even stay there from time to time. Witch would be nice since I always stay at her place. I don't mind too much cus if I shower there she has a heater in the bathroom. OMG. It's great haveing that heater. When I buy a house it must hve a heater in the bathroom. It's a must!! You may ask why she doesn't stay at my place now. Well whould you stay at a girlfriends/boyfriends place with there ex and exs parents there too. Oh and there brother. I wouldn't stay over. Too much crap to deal with. So I understand why she won't stay over but it would be nice if she did. A change of pace. But I won't push her into it. And I don't expect her to stay over ever. It's a weird situation. Lol I'm not sure if I could sleep over at a place with all that going on. Nope. After seeing the room my friend is renting I already know how to set up my stuff in there. So exited. Did I mention that I'm exited!!! Oh not just because I'm getting out of the situation that I'm in now but because by then I should also have a local job by then. Well I fugging better have a local job. I don't care what I'm doing long as I'm not driveing over the road. Ok made it to Denver. Got to go.

Stupid driver an bad weather

Ok so this topic came up for me six hours ago. I was driving through Washington dc. Well the outer edge anyways. I hate traffic and it was bad today. Once it started moving again I saw an accident and it was way off the road. So everyone had to slow down and look. God I hate that!!! More about what I saw later. So about five miles later when I was merging onto a bigger freeway a guy in a car was looking down at something and almost ran right into me if I hadn't hit the brakes I whould have hit him. He had gone across three lanes of traffic and came with in less then a foot from the nose of the truck. Scared the crap out of me. Pissed me off. So when I past that accident I may have seen a dead body. I'm not sure if there was a body or not but got me thinking. I have never seen a dead body before other than on tv or movies. I went my my stepdads dads funeral and it was an open casket but I didn't go up to see and say goodbye. I don't know how I whould react to seeing a dead body. I thought I may have become a cop but haveing to go to accidents and possably shoot someone. I decided I couldn't do that. I would have bad dreams for ever. Lol.

Why is it that when there is ba weather there are two types of drivers. Ones that slow way the fug down and ones that act stupid by doing stupid things. Driveing way too fast for contituons and swerving in and out of traffic. Stupid drivers. That goes for the poeple that don't know how to merge properly. I mean ten times today I have had poeple in cars do stupid things. It's like this....they are comeing on the free way and are about 80' ahead...yes AHEAD of me and then they see me and slow or fugging stop and get behind me. What the fug!!! There was another thing I wanted to put down but I forgot. Oh well.