so much to say not sure i can remember it all

so my new job is great. i learned yesterday that i will be in a driving possition on the 23rd of next month. yay for more money. still havent realy made any friends or golf buddys yet but i will in time. my daughter has been great....most of the time. it has been great haveing her around so much. i enjoyed the time we had together but she heads home on wensday next week. not happy but it is what it is. i talked to my ex about getting the papers on our new agreement on child support and she said it all depends on how things work out in the next month. bitch!! she knows i dont have a car that can make it out there and back yet. i have been looking and i think i can find one that is in my price range but then it would be just as crapy as the one i have now. so whats the point.....i have to get one that i can finance. my mom and step dad said no to giving me a loan so i can get a car. i didnt expect them to do it but i hoped. i can ask my dad but i dont think theres a chance in hell he will help me so i havent asked. i made plans to go see him next weekend and dont want to make it like im only going to see him for money. i cant get financed for a car until i get my papers back from my bankrupcy back. and who knows when that will be.

so last night i was at graces and i went to bed about 9:45 she came in and talked to me about something. i was half asleep at the time. so she came to bed later. i didnt even feel her come to bed. i was out!!! then the table next to me fell or the glass shifted or something... all the glasses fell and broke and woke us up frightened. she cleaned up the glass. i fell back to sleep. then some cats decided to fight near the house and it was loud as hell. so i didnt sleep well to say the least. i was so exhausted all day. after i talked to my ex i was in a bad mood. cranky. put the kid to bed and now this....

in the last few days or week i have noticed that grace has something on her mind or bothering her but i cant ask what it is cus if she wanted to tell me she would have said something. itsw been so great with her the last month or so. she has been such a huge help with my daughter. she hasnt told me what i should do but she has suggested things i can do or try. she is amazing.

it slipt from my mouth before i relized i said it. i left her a voice messege and at the end i said it. "i love you" i text her or yahoo her it from time to time but i havent said it in some time and i still havent said it to her face. i cant avoide it i love her and want to be with her for ever. i cant change my mind and dont want to. she has become more accepting of the bf and gf words.

there was one moment where i thought i was being dooped. it was at the bout. i could see the guy and i noticed that he was looking at her for most of the bout. i was her glance at him a few times. i could be over reacting or just jeliouse. i know i am but i get the same feelings that i got from when i was with my ex and she cheated on me. i dont think grace would but i cant help but feel that with this one guy she would. idk. part of this could be that im just cranky right now and saying its this or that. blamming others for my crappyness. well i better down a few more beers and head off to bed. laters

so i woke up this morning and i realized that i am bothered that i spend all my time over at graces and she hasnt spend much time over at my place. for that matter i start almost every contact everyday. every once and awhile i would like to be contacted be her first. have her do something for me instead of me doing everything for her. i dont mind doing things for her but alot of things are starting to bother me. it maybe from my stress from my new job and money isues. but i dont thing its only that. i think some is what i put down already. idk. could be that im just so tierd from burning the candle at both ends.

didnt know

so several things. i have my aughter tonight an i dont know what to o activity wise. just watching tv. nice relaxing night. i need it. so i have spent time with grace lately and i dont feel like i have had qulity time with her. we spen time together but shes always doing something. i understand that shes busy but i woul like one night were we can just do nothing and just be together. last night kina pisse me off. we did arands and had diner and that was nice but i went to be as she staye on the computer and she didnt even wake me up when she came to bed for any fun. i guess she didnt want to do anything but thats fine.

so i finished my third week at coors. i like what im doing but i didnt make my full 40 hours this week. im about 10 hours shy. i need to get a part time job to help me even my cash flow out. other than that im exite about my job. i cant wait to get my own route.

लोटस न्यू गोइंग ओं

well i have had my local job for two weeks now. i like it alot. its more physical than im used to but i have been sitting on my ass for five ears. so anything would be more physical. lol. i spent almost all last week with my daughter. well after work. it wore me down. getting up at 3 am everyday and not going to bed till 9 or almost 10 pm sucked. spent some time with grace. it was a nice time with her and my daughter. she has been just amazing. the time we have spent together has been great. she is helping me see that there is a different way to handle my daughter. its the way i always wanted to handle things but my ex makes it so hard for me to do anything my way. but i have put a change to her plans. im not just doing what ever she wants anymore and its pissing her off. im enjoying every time i can see her go crap he has a backbone afterall. how do i handle this? lol bitch. hahaha. grace and i are doing well. but i still think theres more to come. when we have been together longer. but all looks well. with grace and i and my new job. loveing life right now.

What.... What do I do

So grace told me some news that has a chance to be realy bad. I am not going to say what it is. Today was my second day on my new job. Local work at last. I should blog about what happened to make this happen but that's a different story. So I fucked up my back early in the day. So bad that I was getting tears in my eyes just from moveing around. So I finished my day in pain. I broke some stuff and get me all worried that I may get in trouble. My coworker said not to worrie about it. But I can't not. Since it was my falt. So the night before grace told me the news. Then after work my kid was just being a pain. Went to see grace skate with the kid and the kid was giveing me all kinds of trouble. She didn't eat her dinner when she said she was hungry. So we were leaveing the skate place and then the kid said she had to pee. All the crap just hit me and I just went crazy. I'm calm now. But crying. I wish I could talk to someone but there isn't anyone to chat with. Ok roommate and his girl showed up so I'm going to go.

Love and saying it

How can you love someone and not say it to there face. I love grace. I have told her this inperson but mostly vea text or IM on yahoo. I haven't said it to her face in some time. Is it cus I don't want her to feel like she needs to say it back or is it that it hurts not hearing it said back? And I know she won't say it back becuase she's not ready to. Are time together is great and I have no worries but when we are apart I start getting that feeling. Like she is bidding smething or that there's something going on. I have moments were I have feeling like that when I'm around her but I dismiss them. I belive I know how honest she is and she isn't that kind of person to do that. She keeps makeing plans far out into the future. Like today. She was invited to a ren faire and it's in October. We are going together. I'm not sure if she asked me to go or I pushed my way into going but we are planing to go. I don't know where all these feelings are comeing from. I'm off the truck and shouldn't be feeling this way. It must be the fact that I quit my job and am starting a new job soon and I'm nerves about the whole thing. I have the feeling that she didn't want to be around me or my daughter today or tommirrow becuase she's doing something wrong and can't face me right away or it could be the fact that she said she hasn't been feeling her self lately and needs some time alone. I understand the time alone part. I'm just insacure from my last relationship. And I'm prabably messing this one up. Be abcause of it. I'm just straight out confused. I'm butting my tounge and just actsepting the way things are. And I should be happy. Grace is an amazing person.

nervus

well i took the lower paying job. im not sure at this time if i have made the right decision or not but in my head it makes sence. so thats all i can hope for. things are going well still. grace and i seem to be doing good. to me it seems like shes hideing something. i asked what she was doing this weekend and she said that she was going to be crafty most of saterday and skate and take a friend out to see a camidian. i was alittle suprised. i dont mind her takeing "me" days but she could have atleast told me. i dont think she would have told me unless i asked. i can feel that theres something there but i dont have a clue of what it is. she wasnt all cuddely last night. she sat away from me and then seemed to realize that and started to cuddle. It all could be in my head. She may miss her family and that's why she acts this way. I am on her computer and I can see that if I wanted to I could go straight to her bolg. I'm tempted but it would be wrong. I'm not sure if there would ever be a good reason to see her blog. I think today and tomorrow I will leave her alone unless she contacts me. She needs to work something out. I made a coment about comeing over after I put my daughter to bed and she said something that made me start thinking that there's something going on. Idk. I just like to spend time with her. I maybe reading into everything way too much. Some things I read too much and others that I should notice fly right by me. well i better start my day