Sick

Well for the last 20 hours I have been puking from both ends. Grace texted me and asked how I was feeling. Told here the true and I said that she shouldn't worrie about me and have a good time with her friend. I'm dieing here. I wish she was here but her wedding she's going to is more important. I hope she is haveing a good time. It was nice of her to check up on me. I hope she does it again. If I can't stop shitting and if I can't keep something in my system. I'm off to the hospital. How can I tell grace that I'm going. It would wreck her time down in SD. I couldn't do that. She needs a nice weekend.

Mmmm

I noticed just now that we haven't giggled alot lately. I wounder why that is. I can see on graces face that she's trying to decide something. I don't know what it is but I do know that if it's anything to do with me I have been open and striaght forward and haven't held anything back. It's a first for me and it seems to be working. I have been able to read grace well and most of the time I'm right but sometimes I'm wrong. I enjoy every moment I get with grace. I hope things work out as well as I want things to go. Only time will tell. I can wish I can hope I can beg but I can't force feelings on grace. Only she will know if we will last. I do know I need to start giggleing together again I miss that. So much to say but can't. Spending time with my kid.

Duh

So I'm an idiot. I'm being used. Atleast that's what it feels like at the moment. I was the thing to get the other guy to get to make a move. I'm holding back tears right now. I'm at practice and is realy hard. Am I wrong? Here's what I saw tonight. They look at each other across the room. She is the only one that bumps or any kind of contact with him(from what I can see) and he bumps or contacts her in a flirty way(she the only one that he does this to). Am I wrong in thinking that I'm being used so this guy makes a move on grace? The problem I have is that any time away from practice she is atentive to me. Holding hands, a hug, a kiss and just being there. The only time she isn't and doesn't want much to do with me is when we are at practice. I don't know if it's because she doesn't want everyone to know we are dateing or if she doesn't want the other guy to think we are that serious. Idk. We had sex last night and she was realy quiet. I felt like she was thinking of the other guy. It felt weird. She was there but not. Maybe im just over reacting. I do have trust issuse and I'm trying to get past them. Until last night I would have said things are going great with grace. And I still think they are but what I say last night altered my thinking a bit. It's the next morning and things seem fine again. She's texting me. I'm trying to think this through. If I was interested in someone and they seem to be interested in me but date someone else that would be wrong. No if I was interested in someone an they weren't interested in me and I dated someone else that would be ok long as the first person I was interested on didn't then say ok I want to date you. Would I could I dump the one I'm dateing to see how things would go with the new person? No I couldn't because I know that the new person is only interested in me because I'm dateing someone and they know they can't have me right now so the got interested. Once they get me things would work for a time but then they would fall apart. The wanting would leave and then I woul have lost the chance with both people and would feel like crap. How do I know this. I have done it in the past and had it done to me. It's not a good feeling. Well I'm going home to spend the day with my daughter. After reading my past posts I can see that at the time I write one and then comeing back to it later that I don't always feel the same way. I belive that by outing it down helps clear my mind and work through the small little isuess I have.

Arrg

So I'm in trouble with my ex becuase I didn't deposit money into her account as fast as she wanted. Sorry I was busy ding things and forgot. She asked me to put money in her account becuase she overdrafted her account and I had to drop what I was doing to help her. I have helped and done things that a normal ex wouldn't do. I can't do anything right when it comes to my ex. I do what she asks and I get shit for it cus they changed the way they do thing without telling me. Aaaarrrrggg. I give up I'm doing things my way from now on. If she don't like it oh well. I'm tierd of trying to keep things where she's happy and getting crap for it. Done

Blogs

I have looked around for the last um half hour at other poeples blogs. I read a few to see if I could coment but the few that I had something to say they had coments already saying what I would have said. Plus I just feel weird posting my thoughts on someones blog that I don't even know. Just seems weird to me. Now I don't mind if someone coments on my blog that I don't know so am I weird on this?

Ok so I'm done driving for the day and not knitting yet. Have so menu thoughts running through my head. Maybe I should knitt and not blog my thoughts. I did go crazy with blogs today. Lol ya that's what I'm going to do. Maybe knitting will quit my mind.

Knitting

I'm about two hours out from LA. Once I'm unloaded I plan to watch a movie and knitt. Hopefully it will keep me untertained. Grace went to a bday party. I wish I could have gone. I swear every time I leave town there's an event going on. I miss out on so much cus I'm driving over the road. I want a local job so bad. For so many reasons. The biggest is that I'm fed up with being gone all the time. Thus haveing no life. I'm sick of it. I'm stopping there before I go on a rant for an hour. Lol

State trees

Why oh why does every freeway, state highway, and back roads have the same state trees? Fugging cunstruction cones!!! They are everywhere!!! Such a pain in the ass. Every state has them and the speed changes in each zone. 55...45..35..even as low as 15 mph!!!!!! And they go for miles sometimes. The worst is when the guys are telling you to slow down. Even though your doing the speed limit!! If you wanted tragic to go slower...LOWER the fugging speed limit. I don't understand them. Stupids!! Not to mention that the states don't have any money to be doing the road repair but they do it anyways. Aarg. More constuction got to go