update

so grace and i broke up. its been two weeks tomorrow. i did all i could to keep things going for my peace of mind.i hadnt talked to her the hole time. until yesterday. we talked for a few min. i need her as a friend right now. she told me what she has been up to. she says she has to donate more stem cells. i told her i would watch the dog for her. my roommate says im makeing a big mistake by what im doing. i know that by not letting her chase me i will most likely loose my chance to get back with her. i cant help it. im going to do what i need to do. i cant change who i am. im a helper. i care for her enough that i want to be sure that she is happy. with me or not. shes a great person or has the ability to be. and i want her in my life. maybe by doing what i do will remind her how much she misses all that i did for her. or it will back firer in my face. oh well what is done is done.

Time....how things change

So grace and I are doing well. Haveing a good time with eachother. Things seem to be great. One time grace talked about her possable move and said it would be a hard choice since I'm in her life now and then another time it was like she made up her mind and then another time she said she has no idea of what or where her life will be in a year. Witch makes sence. I have no idea where I will be in a year. I have a plan but who knows what will happen.
My new job is going well. I'm alittle nervuse about next month. I will have my own route and the hand held and miller. It's alot to learn all at once. More later. Time to work

so much to say not sure i can remember it all

so my new job is great. i learned yesterday that i will be in a driving possition on the 23rd of next month. yay for more money. still havent realy made any friends or golf buddys yet but i will in time. my daughter has been great....most of the time. it has been great haveing her around so much. i enjoyed the time we had together but she heads home on wensday next week. not happy but it is what it is. i talked to my ex about getting the papers on our new agreement on child support and she said it all depends on how things work out in the next month. bitch!! she knows i dont have a car that can make it out there and back yet. i have been looking and i think i can find one that is in my price range but then it would be just as crapy as the one i have now. so whats the point.....i have to get one that i can finance. my mom and step dad said no to giving me a loan so i can get a car. i didnt expect them to do it but i hoped. i can ask my dad but i dont think theres a chance in hell he will help me so i havent asked. i made plans to go see him next weekend and dont want to make it like im only going to see him for money. i cant get financed for a car until i get my papers back from my bankrupcy back. and who knows when that will be.

so last night i was at graces and i went to bed about 9:45 she came in and talked to me about something. i was half asleep at the time. so she came to bed later. i didnt even feel her come to bed. i was out!!! then the table next to me fell or the glass shifted or something... all the glasses fell and broke and woke us up frightened. she cleaned up the glass. i fell back to sleep. then some cats decided to fight near the house and it was loud as hell. so i didnt sleep well to say the least. i was so exhausted all day. after i talked to my ex i was in a bad mood. cranky. put the kid to bed and now this....

in the last few days or week i have noticed that grace has something on her mind or bothering her but i cant ask what it is cus if she wanted to tell me she would have said something. itsw been so great with her the last month or so. she has been such a huge help with my daughter. she hasnt told me what i should do but she has suggested things i can do or try. she is amazing.

it slipt from my mouth before i relized i said it. i left her a voice messege and at the end i said it. "i love you" i text her or yahoo her it from time to time but i havent said it in some time and i still havent said it to her face. i cant avoide it i love her and want to be with her for ever. i cant change my mind and dont want to. she has become more accepting of the bf and gf words.

there was one moment where i thought i was being dooped. it was at the bout. i could see the guy and i noticed that he was looking at her for most of the bout. i was her glance at him a few times. i could be over reacting or just jeliouse. i know i am but i get the same feelings that i got from when i was with my ex and she cheated on me. i dont think grace would but i cant help but feel that with this one guy she would. idk. part of this could be that im just cranky right now and saying its this or that. blamming others for my crappyness. well i better down a few more beers and head off to bed. laters

so i woke up this morning and i realized that i am bothered that i spend all my time over at graces and she hasnt spend much time over at my place. for that matter i start almost every contact everyday. every once and awhile i would like to be contacted be her first. have her do something for me instead of me doing everything for her. i dont mind doing things for her but alot of things are starting to bother me. it maybe from my stress from my new job and money isues. but i dont thing its only that. i think some is what i put down already. idk. could be that im just so tierd from burning the candle at both ends.

didnt know

so several things. i have my aughter tonight an i dont know what to o activity wise. just watching tv. nice relaxing night. i need it. so i have spent time with grace lately and i dont feel like i have had qulity time with her. we spen time together but shes always doing something. i understand that shes busy but i woul like one night were we can just do nothing and just be together. last night kina pisse me off. we did arands and had diner and that was nice but i went to be as she staye on the computer and she didnt even wake me up when she came to bed for any fun. i guess she didnt want to do anything but thats fine.

so i finished my third week at coors. i like what im doing but i didnt make my full 40 hours this week. im about 10 hours shy. i need to get a part time job to help me even my cash flow out. other than that im exite about my job. i cant wait to get my own route.

लोटस न्यू गोइंग ओं

well i have had my local job for two weeks now. i like it alot. its more physical than im used to but i have been sitting on my ass for five ears. so anything would be more physical. lol. i spent almost all last week with my daughter. well after work. it wore me down. getting up at 3 am everyday and not going to bed till 9 or almost 10 pm sucked. spent some time with grace. it was a nice time with her and my daughter. she has been just amazing. the time we have spent together has been great. she is helping me see that there is a different way to handle my daughter. its the way i always wanted to handle things but my ex makes it so hard for me to do anything my way. but i have put a change to her plans. im not just doing what ever she wants anymore and its pissing her off. im enjoying every time i can see her go crap he has a backbone afterall. how do i handle this? lol bitch. hahaha. grace and i are doing well. but i still think theres more to come. when we have been together longer. but all looks well. with grace and i and my new job. loveing life right now.

What.... What do I do

So grace told me some news that has a chance to be realy bad. I am not going to say what it is. Today was my second day on my new job. Local work at last. I should blog about what happened to make this happen but that's a different story. So I fucked up my back early in the day. So bad that I was getting tears in my eyes just from moveing around. So I finished my day in pain. I broke some stuff and get me all worried that I may get in trouble. My coworker said not to worrie about it. But I can't not. Since it was my falt. So the night before grace told me the news. Then after work my kid was just being a pain. Went to see grace skate with the kid and the kid was giveing me all kinds of trouble. She didn't eat her dinner when she said she was hungry. So we were leaveing the skate place and then the kid said she had to pee. All the crap just hit me and I just went crazy. I'm calm now. But crying. I wish I could talk to someone but there isn't anyone to chat with. Ok roommate and his girl showed up so I'm going to go.